KISSES AND MISSES
Cheaters already know answers to questions about betrayal

By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer

Kiss or Miss poll Should an Island mom who wants to spend time with her college-age son let him bring his girlfriend to the family get-together when he comes home from the Mainland for winter break? Or would saying "No friends allowed" signal a bad case of empty-nest syndrome? You be the judge. Weigh in by voting online.

How, exactly, do you expect me to answer your letters about cheating? Did you think I would say that it's great that you're being unfaithful and you're sure to have a happy life?

Or do you want me to give the advice you already expect: End it, or at least make up your mind and pick a partner?

The typical cheating letter starts something like this: "Dear Tanya: I have been married for 13 years, and during those years my husband has made a lot of mistakes and had affairs. I would like to think I was the bigger person by forgiving him, but then about two years ago, I had an affair with his best friend."

For a minute I was siding with you and wanting to blame your husband for his indiscretions. But you threw me with the affair with his best friend. Yeah, that kind of takes you out of the running for being the bigger person. That's just revenge gone bad.

I'm not sure if people are just looking for a way to unload their guilt or if they just need to know how their story can have a happy ending. Let's see if I can sum up some cheat-and-tell problems and dish out the same kind of advice I'd give a friend.

For the basic question of "can my marriage survive an affair?" my answer is yes ... if you can get over your feelings of anger and betrayal, and repair the trust. If you're lucky, getting through it will make you stronger. Just don't count on it, especially if you go do something stupid, like trying to get even by having a fling with your spouse's best friend (hello, divorce court).

Same goes if your affair has ended and you're so torn up about it that you want to confess that you've been unfaithful. Confession could be the next-fastest way to divorce court. If the fling is over and meant little to both parties, I'd have to go with keeping your mouth shut about it. My gut feeling is a woman's confession would most likely result in the end of her marriage. Guys have more of a shot at being forgiven. (Women are wired that way, with a twisted urge to take the guy back, even if he's a chronic philanderer.)

Some cheaters write seeking approval. One local woman who signed her letter "MS. TORTURE MYSELF" explained that she left her lover for another, and her new lover keeps going back to his ex. The new love has great memories of their, ah, courtship: ("We had lots of nights of fun, and he showed me more affection than I had ever experienced in my life. It was everything I was missing.") But now, her lover's ex is moving back to Hawai'i, and it's looking like the Bermuda Triangle.

MS. TORTURE MYSELF writes that she continues to see her lover "because I'm stupid," but knows he'll go back to the ex and give her nights of fun and affection instead. Then MS. TORTURE MYSELF asks: "Do you think we have a future if I keep being there for him?"

Yeah, if you want to live in a torture chamber. Is it going to work out? Probably not. Should you call it quits? Yeah, if you want a new nickname anytime soon. I think you already had it figured out. Lose the loser. He's using you. Don't set yourself up for more heartache. You'll feel better if you're the one who calls it off.

Yet other cheaters want to know how to choose between two lovers. One owner of a hawaii.rr.com e-mail address — let's call her "CAN'T LET GO" — is a 29-year-old married woman with no children who has been cheating with a 20-year-old boyfriend she doesn't want to hurt. CAN'T LET GO wants to stay married and start a family, presumably one in which her husband is the father. Simple solution here: LET GO, already. Did you really need me to tell you that?

It's all about common sense. People follow patterns. Cheaters are likely to cheat again. Forgivers can forgive only so much. You just have to decide how much you're willing to give and take, and whether you can work through tough tangles like infidelity.

If you think you can fool around on an island and not get caught, there's a whole lot of deceit going on, because word tends to get around in a place like this.

Betrayal isn't pretty, but most times, cheating isn't the whole problem. Lies, disrespect and disregard for other people's feelings will tear apart any relationship faster than sleeping around.

Unfaithfulness isn't necessarily evil. It's just a game of longing and loss. When you play, you pay.

Need advice? Write to Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802, fax 525-8055 or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.