FAMILY MATTERS
I fill many roles in this compact life of mine
By Michael C. DeMattos
I fill many roles in this compact life of mine.
Like countless others, I frequently find myself torn between the obligations of hearth and home and the demands of work and a professional calling.
I generally maintain effective boundaries. Still, compartmentalized living is counterintuitive to a sane existence.
My responsibilities and duties in each arena blur, and I sometimes catch myself doing work at home or (less often) responding to family needs while on the job.
While I think it important to keep work and home separate, I realize that this belief has not been held universally through the years. Before the industrial age, work and home were one and the same. Your kids knew exactly what you did for a living and, in many cases, they helped. I suspect that this was responsible for that old adage, "Many hands makes the job lighter."
It seems that today's kids barely know what their parents do for a living.
I think we struggle with this reality on a daily basis. With the 50-hour work week and cold meals in front of the TV the norm, it is a wonder we survive.
Most folks I encounter admit that they garner much of their self-worth from work and a job well done, but also confess the wish to spend more time with family.
This is quite a conundrum.
So it was for me when I agreed to facilitate a retreat for a small but culturally rich group of Filipino youth on a Sunday afternoon. I met with the coordinators ahead of time, and together we constructed a set of experiences that would challenge the participants yet allow for success.
The planning phase went very well, and I had nothing but high expectations for the day.
Early Sunday morning I gathered my materials and loaded the truck. My wife and daughter got ready for ballet, to be followed later that afternoon by a Brownies meeting. We each went our separate ways.
Family and work collided, and my wife toed the family line. I am a lucky man.
The training went well, and I made 24 new friends. I was impressed by their richness of thought and depth of feeling. They shared their world with me, and for a brief moment I was allowed in.
It dawned on me, as we held hands in a tight circle, that family is more than biology. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to suggest that our work relationships can replace family ties, but family is more than blood, it is a concept that can be actualized in a number of ways.
It is not uncommon to refer to our friends as family members. My teammate can be my brother, and my co-worker, my sister.
This is especially true here in Hawai'i, where we appreciate the value of others and "hanai" is a reality.
My little nuclear family may be only three deep, but my extended family reaches far and wide.
To those who have accepted me as family, I thank you and hope you know that the feeling is mutual.
Family therapist Michael C. DeMattos has a master's degree in social work.
