honoluluadvertiser.com

Sponsored by:

Comment, blog & share photos

Log in | Become a member
The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Thursday, November 13, 2003

Roomies can live together civilly by adhering to 'rules'

• Do's and don'ts

By Zenaida Serrano Espanol
Advertiser Staff Writer

University of Hawai'i-Manoa freshmen Bryce Barich, bottom, and his dormitory roommate, Alexander Grilho, have learned to live together "successfully."

Rebecca Breyer • The Honolulu Advertiser

Bryce Barich sometimes likes to listen to his music really loud. Barich's roommate, Alexander Grilho, is taking five college classes and appreciates some peace and quiet while he studies.

Barich often asks Grilho if he wants to go with him to a nearby cafeteria because Barich likes to eat. A lot. Grilho, not so much.

Despite the differences between the University of Hawai'i-Manoa freshmen, who met less than three months ago, they have learned to live with each other, even calling their new living situation a successful one.

"The thing with me and Bryce is that we both respect each other," said Grilho, 18, of Mililani.

Barich, of Seattle, agrees. When such minor annoyances pop up, the roomies simply open up.

Grilho "says stuff, and that's all you have to do, really," said Barich, also 18. "Just say, 'Turn the music down,' or, 'Go find something to eat.' " Then the problem is solved, Barich said.

Communication and compromise are the key elements for successful roommate relationships, whether between college students in dorm rooms or working 30-somethings in apartments, said Jennifer Larsh, hall director of International Gateway House at UH.

"The best thing is to ask questions right from the beginning," Larsh said.

Discuss key factors

Some questions to consider: What's your idea of a clean home? How much privacy and alone time do you need? How do you feel about borrowing things? How often and when are you willing to have visitors? Are we going to share any expenses, i.e., food?

Roommates should also discuss things such as studying, sleeping, smoking and drinking habits, as well as personal preferences and pet peeves.

"Going over all of those are key because those are going to be the deciding factors on whether the roommate relationship works or doesn't work," Larsh said.

Communication is especially crucial when conflicts arise.

"Talk about it when it starts," Larsh said. "Don't wait until you blow up because at that point you've been holding it back too long, and you cannot blame someone for doing something you don't like if you don't tell them that you don't like it."

Sometimes people have to learn to live with the little annoyances, such as the way someone laughs or whether or not they say, "Thank you," Larsh said.

In such cases, compromise is necessary because no matter how many times someone is told about a pet peeve, it doesn't mean they're going to change.

"Compromise within your comfort level and compromise on those things that are less important," she said.

Building trust and a close relationship with roommates are also musts, Grilho said.

"Trying to establish a really good friendship helps, as opposed to just (letting things go)," Grilho said.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

But Melanie Smith, 24, said roommates should remember to live their own lives.

"People sometimes confuse roommates as them being their family," said Smith, who is a full-time worker and lives in a three- bedroom townhouse in 'Aiea with three others — her best friend and a couple.

The four residents have different schedules and rarely see each other, Smith said. They take care of their own things, such as buying their own groceries, she said.

"I've found through several roommates ... that if I maintain my individuality within the house and take care of myself and everybody does the same, it just works better," she said.

But for a rooming situation to work, it all comes down to one thing, Smith said.

"Respect; respect of other people's area, space, property, feelings, money and all of those things," she said. "In a living relationship, everybody is putting money into it and everybody is expecting to get the best they can out of it."

Reach Zenaida Serrano Espanol at zespanol@honoluluadvertiser.com or 535-8174.

• • •

Do's and don'ts

For a successful roommate relationship:

  • Do get to know your roommate and learn what interests you share.
  • Don't think you have to be best friends.
  • Do treat your roommate as an equal.
  • Don't depend on your roommate to supply every emotional and social need.
  • Do respect your roommate's right to privacy.
  • Don't hold things in that are bothering you about your roommate.
  • Do ask your roommate if there is something bothering him/her.
  • Do discuss problems honestly and tactfully when they arise.
  • Don't give orders, make unreasonable demands or expect favors.

— Source: University of Hawai'i-Manoa Student Housing Services' Residence Hall Handbook