KISSES AND MISSES
In-a-rut wife/mother considers bailing from daily routine

• Kisses and Misses

By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer

•	Kiss or Miss poll Should a longtime boyfriend who just moved back to O'ahu after a year of long-distance love stick with a girlfriend who is afraid of commitment? You be the judge. Weigh in by voting online.

But because it's a newspaper column, settle for it having all the drama of your alarm clock going off every morning at 6. It's your wake-up call to brew the coffee, shuffle through your morning routine, scan the newspaper, get the kids off to school, head off to work and prepare for the same thing tomorrow. It's called routine.

And if you read between the lines as you're eyeing the paper, you might spot yourself in the letter to the advice column:

Dear Tanya: I am an Asian woman in my 40s, married for 13 years, mother of two. Our day: Dad takes son to sitter and goes to work. Mom drops off older son at school and goes to work. After work, Mom picks up the kids, takes the older one to practice, goes home to cook dinner and helps with homework. Dad comes home, watches TV, eats, watches TV, plays his PlayStation, bathes and goes to sleep with the little son. Mom washes dishes, puts the older kid to sleep, bathes, then goes to bed after 11 p.m. We wake at 6 a.m., and it begins again. Are there other people out there like me? Tired, bored at times, longing to get away from this? Maybe not in love anymore, needing to be taken care of for a change, just going through the motions? Is there more to life than this? I don't want to do this for the next decade.

Well, ITCHY FEET, there are entire Oprah episodes about people like you, shows in which experts spout off sound bites such as: "Boredom is not a reason to leave a marriage."

Not so fast, though. For a moment, let's consider whether boredom could be a valid reason to bolt. Would your life be better looking for greener grass somewhere else? What would your exit strategy be? How would you keep from falling back into the daily grind? What if starting over was worse than what you left? And what about your kids? Are you going to ditch them, too?

There's probably no need to take such drastic measures. Fleeing may not be the answer. But because you have a fantasy about what "happily ever after" looks like, you might as well fantasize about how your life could be different. Then think about how to fix what's bothering you.

Yes, there is more to life than feeling suffocated by monotony. But no marriage guarantees you'll never be bored or lonely. Maybe it's not everyone else's fault if you are. Take the initiative to get out of your rut.

Being in love is like taking an antidepressant. When it wears off, that doesn't mean you should give up on the relationship. Passion may come and go, but maybe you can do something to rev it up.

If you feel like your daily routine is suffocating, change it. Take a different route to work, and look for something inspiring. Give your kids a bedtime that allows you alone time with your husband. Declare a no-TV night. Hire a sitter and go out with your mate. Walk on the beach. Reminisce with your husband about romantic times. Maybe you can remember what brought you together.

Need advice? Write to Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802, fax 525-8055 or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.