Single Christians flock to matchmaking services
• Young adults provide spark for today's church dynamic
By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer
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| Ivan and Juvy Okuda, holding son Joshua, 3, will celebrate their 13th wedding anniversary in January. The Okudas are members of St. Rita Catholic Church in Nanakuli.
Eugene Tanner • The Honolulu Advertiser |
He heard her stand up and say she was "called here from Texas." But words echoed in the back of Ching's mind that said "... to be my wife."
Ching was shocked at what his brain was telling him. He'd never met this woman. But before long, they began talking after church on Sundays and spending time together. Their friendship grew, and Ching admitted to her what he had been thinking since the day they met. They decided that God really was calling them to be together.
Robertson, 21, a student at Hawai'i Pacific University living in Waialua, and Ching, 24, a computer programmer in 'Aiea, plan to marry in June.
But even their decision to date was more than a casual thing. Of the Census Bureau tally of 293,000 never-married, single adults in Hawai'i, they are among the thousands disillusioned with the bar scene and sick of looking for love in all the wrong places. Their love happened when they weren't looking.
"The stipulation for dating for me is I wasn't going to date anybody until I knew I would marry them," Robertson said. "Before I came to Hawai'i, I had broken off a relationship. I didn't want to be hurt again."
A serious car accident turned her life around. She focused on God because she thought he saved her life. Shortly after that, she moved here and got involved in the young-adult program at church. Slowly, she began falling for Ching.
He shared her values and even her belief that marriage comes before sex.
Robertson said their love story is no different than that of many couples who meet through common interests. They went to a church they enjoyed without the specific aim of meeting someone else, and that's when the right mix of connection and chemistry "just happened."
Soul-searching
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| Roy Ching and Brandy Robertson met through Sunday-school class at First Assembly of God at Red Hill.
Photo courtesy of Roy Ching |
So how does the church nurture a generation of singles who may be disaffected by organized religion? The Internet, for one. Thousands of Christian singles are flocking to Christian-based matchmaking services looking for spiritually correct connections.
Then there's the good, old-fashioned youth ministries and church socials.
Ivan Okuda can hold himself up as a role model these days because he remembers the days of sex without strings and can explain why he settled down for something more serious.
Okuda, 36, a painter by trade, is a youth minister at St. Rita Catholic Church in Nanakuli. But he wasn't always so saintly.
"I used to be a professional bodyboarder," he said. "Money didn't make me happy. My friends didn't make me happy. Even my wife didn't make me happy."
Trouble in his marriage, which he said included verbal abuse on his part, is what Okuda says led him to set a different example.
"I try to teach these kids that sex isn't everything," said Okuda, who will be married 13 years in January. "The two things you need in a relationship are love and respect."
His wife, Juvy Okuda, 35, a homemaker in Makakilo, is happy to promote marriage as a vocation. She knows many young people want to travel and be independent before getting into a serious relationship. She just wants them to be prepared for pitfalls.
The Okudas see themselves as leaders who can help young people navigate dating within their religion because they can relate to the problems that almost tore them apart.
Matters of heart and mind
Lisa Gomes knows it might be easier to date someone in her own religion just because they'd share beliefs. But 30-year-old Gomes doesn't necessarily look to the church to meet her romantic match.
She doesn't go to the organized singles events put on by the Catholic church. She doesn't even always go to the same church — sometimes attending Our Lady of Sorrows near her home in Wahiawa, and sometimes St. Anthony's in Kailua, where she's director of religious education.
She'd be exactly the kind of person the church would want to keep in its ranks, but she's also a member of the generation that's postponing marriage and parenthood, which doesn't fit so neatly into traditional family-centered parishes.
Gomes holds a graduate degree in theology, and she's open-minded about where she might find Mr. Right.
"I don't think for me, since I study different religions, it would be a big deal to date someone of a different faith," she said. "But it would be nice if it were the same."
Yet Sara Dumadag, a 26-year-old Catholic at Our Lady of Mount Carmel in Kane'ohe, can't imagine dating someone whose beliefs might be so far apart.
"I always looked for someone of the same faith," she said. "I guess with my traditions and morals, it's easier. There's less arguments because it's something we both believe. I'm lucky."
She's been seeing a Catholic for three years. They go to church together and volunteer to do retreats with young people.
"It's hard being young these days," Dumadag said. "I've been involved with this since I was young. It was always in the back of my mind."
The biggest lesson in the search for someone with a spiritual connection may be to listen to that voice in the back of your head.
For Roy Ching, it's not about converting anyone. It's about knowing yourself and what you want in a partner. And it didn't hurt that he listened to the voice saying his future wife was standing right in front of him.
"You know that expression 'two become one?' " Ching said, "My advice would be become a whole person first. That's what worked for us."
Tanya Bricking writes about relationships for The Advertiser. Reach her at tbricking@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8026.
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A sampling of churches with singles ministries:
First Assembly of God, 3400 Moanalua Road, 836-2300; singles ministry men's and women's group meets 7 p.m. Mondays; the Cutting Edge contemporary worship service is 5 p.m. Saturdays.
Singles Over 30, a Roman Catholic group, meets the second and fourth Thursday of each month (except holidays) at Ryan's Grill; Ann Marie Ryan: 780-7629 or amryan40@yahoo.com.
Manoa Punahou Catholic Community (St. Pius X, Sacred Heart), 973-2211; Young-adult group as well as the Singles Over 30 group.
First Presbyterian Church of Honolulu, 1822 Ke'eaumoku St., 532-1111; 7 p.m. Thursdays; also, they recently hired a "family life" pastor and are planning a singles conference for sometime this summer.
New Hope Christian Fellowship, 290 Sand Island Access Road (office); 842-4242; their Generation X ministry, called Xtreme, offers social events for young adults, both single and married, for the 18-35 crowd.
• • •
Young adults provide spark for today's church dynamic
By Mary Kaye Ritz
Advertiser Religion & Ethics Writer
| The Red Carpet Affair
An ecumenical celebration, affiliated with Xtreme, New Hope's young-adult ministry • 8 p.m. Dec. 31 |
Welcome to First Assembly of God's men's and women's groups, part of the singles ministry program led weekly by Andrew Yasuhara and his wife, Karen.
"Our goal is to help young adults find a faith of their own, not the faith of their parents," said Yasuhara, an earnest 29-year-old pastor who looks as if he should still be in high school.
Them's fighting words for Walter Yoshimitsu, a deacon and manager of diocesan services who oversees young adult ministries for the Roman Catholic church here. He knows that evangelical groups are nipping at the heels of the state's largest faith organization, but he's not worried. Yoshimitsu suspects the emotionalism of such churches will give way to tradition once those young adults become parents and want to return to their roots.
But it doesn't mean the Catholic church is going to sit back and watch the numbers bleed out. And traditionally for all religious groups, bleed they do — church attendance drops dramatically as young adults reach the decision-making age, until young adults become parents and return to church.
The importance of this demographic means other groups are sensing the opportunity to step in with programs aimed directly at luring young adults. More and more, announcements of singles ministry meetings are joining religious education and the ladies' sewing circle as mainstays in the church bulletin.
"Everybody know this is very fertile ground," said Yoshimitsu, adding that several Catholic parishes have vibrant singles and young- adult ministry groups.
Returning to roots
The evangelical groups heavily court young adults with activities geared to them, by making them feel welcome into the new organization and by "treating them like they're very, very special," he said.
"The Catholic church has been lacking in that respect," he admits.
While Yoshimitsu said he had no statistics to confirm it, he suspects such methods only fill a temporary place for parishioners.
"I don't think it plays in long run," the deacon said. "You get somebody on an emotional level, and you have to keep that hype for a long time. I think for the Catholic church, our faith is deep-rooted. When the emotions and highs drop, they look and say, 'Maybe I should return to my roots.'"
Neither will the Catholic church ignore them, he said, noting that the diocese held a youth and young adult rally that drew 2,500 to the Hawai'i Convention Center earlier this month.
Churches actively courting the young adult often will hold special, rockin' worship services aimed directly at the MTV generation. At Calvary Chapel, it's well-known that the Friday night meeting in Hawai'i Kai is the "singles" service, and New Hope is planning a New Year's Eve party for those who don't want to spend the night in bars.
One-stop church
Yasuhara's Saturday night service at First Assembly of God tends to pull younger, with teens and twentysomethings who come for the contemporary music and message geared to their age range. He knows if they can rope the young adult in at this point — and keep them through the child-bearing years — he's got them for the long run.
"Once your kids are here, you're set," said Yasuhara.
First Presbyterian recently hired a family life pastor whose emphasis will be a singles ministry, starting his new duties in January. The church is planning a singles conference for sometime this summer and beginning Jan. 18, will aim a new worship service at those in their 20s-30s, said senior pastor the Rev. Dan Chun.
"People respond," he said. "This way, church can be a one-stop church, no matter what demographic you are."
DJ Garces, the Xtreme director for youth and young adults at New Hope Christian Fellowship, said it's not about numbers.
"It's about bringing healing to our crazy, mixed-up generation," he said.
Many grew up in divorced or single-parent households, he notes: "Their view of family is skewed."
And as a group, they help keep the church relevant to today's world.
Yasuhara agrees. Young adults bring something to the pastoral table all right.
"The church gets a lot of life," he said. "We can be all organized, all structured, but young adults bring that spark of energy."
Mary Kaye Ritz writes about religion and ethics. Reach her at 525-8035 or mritz@honoluluadvertiser.com.
