KISSES AND MISSES
Does wife's male friend want more than a 'hello'? You bet

By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer

Kiss or Miss poll What should a husband do if his wife has no trust in him? Have your say. Weigh in by voting online. Gannett News Service

This is one of those dangerous questions famously debated in the 1989 movie "When Harry Met Sally," when Billy Crystal's character says it's impossible, because the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to go outside of the relationship to get something you're missing, and the "sex part always gets in the way."

Countless dinner conversations have gotten heated arguing about this.

Lots of people say what Harry told Sally is wrong, and that platonic friendships are flourishing. (Wonder how many of those people are having affairs, or wish they were?)

Maybe the younger generation is more hip to the trend. A survey last year by American Demographics found 18-to-24-year-olds are nearly four times as likely as people over 55 to have a best friend of the opposite sex. Among adults ages 25 to 34, more than 1 in 10 said their best friend is a member of the opposite sex.

It used to be that those kind of friendships faded after one side got married or otherwise romantically involved with someone else. But times change. A 2001 Match.com poll of 1,514 members found 83 percent believe men and women can be just friends.

So, is it possible? Yes. Sometimes.

The thing is, the answer is not an unequivocal yes or no. It really depends on the degree of romantic and physical attraction and an array of complicated factors. Generally (if you're in a serious relationship), anything beyond a professional relationship, say, at work, is filled with land mines.

Exhibit A: THIRD WHEEL ON O'AHU.

Dear Tanya: My outgoing and socially active wife of six years is best friends with a former co-worker of mine from the Mainland. They have a lot in common (more than she and I do, it seems) and keep in touch through e-mails, phone calls and postcards about three times a month. He has visited us twice in the last year and now wants to come and visit this holiday season. He is single and introverted, with little in common with me, except for some mutual acquaintances. My wife has asked if it would be OK for him to visit since he will be moving upon his return to the Mainland. I usually play the third wheel when he is in town, even though we were co-workers. I'm not sure what to tell her. On one hand, I want to think the best of him, as he seems genuine and honest, with nothing but friendship offered toward my wife. On the other hand, the territorial male in me sees a guy buying three plane tickets in less than 16 months to spend time with a charming woman, when all his family is twice as close. Am I being jealous of a great friendship, or should I believe in the notion that men and women can't be best friends without someone wanting more? I trust my wife, but is that enough?

I have a good male friend in Ohio. Even if I wasn't involved with someone else, I wouldn't consider being involved with him. Our friendship is platonic. Besides, I know too many people he's been, ahem, intimately involved with. It would just be weird.

But I'm sure we will be lifelong friends. My fiancé and I had dinner with him the last time we visited. I would let this guy stay in my house if he came to Hawai'i to visit. But I think lots of e-mails, phone calls and postcards would make the man I love suspicious, jealous and uncomfortable of the single guy in Ohio. So I don't do it. We exchange occasional e-mails, phone calls and Christmas cards, and nobody gets their feelings hurt.

This isn't just about friendship. It is about trust and boundaries. You need to tell your wife you trust her, but her friendship with this man makes you uncomfortable.

You're right, that is a lot of plane tickets in 16 months just to say, "hello."

As my guy friends would say, "Don't be stupid."

Here's the male perspective from one of my colleagues: "The 'best friend' wants to do the wife. Trust me. ... The wife also knows it and digs all of the attention. Definitely trust me on that one."

Here's his solution: Verify your suspicions. "Have the wife hook up the best friend with another woman. If the wife keeps coming up with losers, then that means the wife doesn't really want the best friend to move on with somebody new (because the wife really likes the attention)."

As a woman who has tried to set men up with people, that is a tough place to put the wife. Maybe she doesn't have single friends who would be good matches. Nevertheless, it's a theory.

Here's another option: Look at it without sex being part of the equation. There's no shame in feeling like you don't want to be the third wheel. If it bothers you, say something.

Maybe there's nothing going on with your wife and this guy and neither secretly is looking for romance. But don't be naive. You are right to wonder. And don't keep it all to yourself. If your relationship is strong enough, talk about it. If your relationship is not strong enough to talk about it, your problems are much deeper than the guy who wants to visit your wife.

Need advice? Write to Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802, fax 525-8055 or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.