Votes are in on advice for our readers with relationship woes

By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer

Other people's problems are captivating. So much so that hundreds of you have responded to the Kisses and Misses online polls each Thursday to weigh in on questions from wayward lovers and troubled wives.

Dear Tanya: This fall, our son left for college on the Mainland, and we miss him tremendously. We're planning a three-day family get-together when he and his cousins return for winter break.

This is the problem: During his senior year, he began dating a girl who seemed to be level-headed and generally good for him. However, during the summer and particularly the last few weeks before he left, she clung to him every minute. We could not get a moment with him alone.

Since he left, he says she calls constantly and they end up arguing frequently because he's been preoccupied with school and meeting people. I sense he would like to break off the relationship but doesn't want to hurt her. They are still "together," and I fear that when he comes home for winter break, guess who will be joining him?I guess I feel somewhat cheated out of the last few months of our son's time at home, and I just can't bear the idea of his girlfriend coming along on our family get-together. We've always been very welcoming to all of our children's friends, so it's out of character for us to close the door now. Are we being selfish? Is it awful to just say "no friends allowed?"

— DEPRIVED MOM

A. Ever heard of empty-nest syndrome? You've got it bad. It sounds as if you're more saddened that your little boy is growing up and leaving home than you are about the girlfriend. Let your boy be a man. If he wants to break up with his girlfriend, let him do it on his own time. If you push and say "no friends allowed," you'll just be pushing him away. Remember, this could be the woman who will bear your grandchildren. And if she's not, there will be more girlfriends. Are you going to object to them all? Back away from the fire.

B. Compromise. Ask your son to set aside some alone time for you and your husband so you can do something alone together. Or better yet, ask him what kind of vacation he wants and whether he wants to invite the girlfriend.

C. Hold your ground and say she's not invited. The get-together is only three days. The girlfriend should be sensitive to the family and not insist she be included.

• Readers' choice: B.

Dear Tanya: Please help with an international love problem. The girl I was seeing is a Japanese national and had to return to Japan because of an expiring visa. Although we have only spent a few months together, I have never felt so strongly about anyone. She is the most thoughtful, courteous and considerate person I know, and I am fascinated that it comes from her traditional Japanese customs.

I am planning to go to Japan in April and visit, but I can only see her for about a week because of my busy schedule. I have been seriously contemplating whether I should bring her back to the United States by the only way possible I know of, which is by marrying her. I only want to do this so I can spend more time with her to find out if she is the one for me. My question is: Is there another way to get to know her better, without having to get married or move to Japan?

— CONFUSED IN KAIMUKI

A. You cannot marry someone just to see if you want to marry them. Besides, green-card marriages are illegal. Try courting her the old-fashioned way: Write letters, talk on the phone, send e-mail and visit.

B. Go ahead and get hitched. What's the worst that could happen?

• Readers' choice: Overwhelmingly, A.

Dear Tanya: My husband and I have been married for a few months. Everything has been OK, except when we talk about his father.

My father-in-law is confined to a wheelchair because of his diabetes condition. In a few months, his daughter is planning to move out of their apartment, leaving him alone and without the financial means to pay for both rent and utilities. He cannot afford to live in an housing complex for the elderly.

My husband and I do not have extra money to give him. While I feel obligated to help my husband care for his father, I also feel selfish and uncomfortable about having to live and care for this gruff and demanding man. Do you have any advice?

— TROUBLED WIFE IN KALIHI

A. You are in a Catch-22, but what would you do if it were your father? Save your marriage. Show your husband you support him, and make room for Gramps. Or at least make room in your budget to hire an attendant to help him. Talk to his doctor about getting a social worker involved.

B. You didn't sign up for life with Pops. Tell your husband that you don't want to be his dad's caregiver, but see if he's eligible for social services that might help.

• Readers' choice: A, by a landslide.

Need advice? Write to Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; fax 525-8055 or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.