You've got lots to be thankful for

By Ferd Lewis
Advertiser Staff Columnist

So, put down that slice of pumpkin pie, hoist a drumstick and give thanks that you:

• Don't have to be the person who gives June Jones the news the next time the UH football team is scheduled to play six road games.
• Aren't the Portland Trail Blazers' on-call legal advisor.
• Don't have to teach the pronunciations of Hawai'i players' names to the Alabama radio crew in one day.
• Don't have to explain a Bowl Championship Series computer formula to anybody. Or, defend it if USC gets left out.
• Aren't a cheerleader at the University of Alabama.
• Won't be assigned to block Isa'ako "Isaac" Sopoaga one-on-one.
• Don't have to tell the Georgia Tech football team that its reward is playing in the Humanitarian Bowl in Boise, Idaho, on Jan. 3.
• Don't have to balance the UH athletic budget.
• Aren't having surgery performed by a Pac-10 football officials crew.
• Aren't Army's defensive coordinator.
• Weren't counting on Keyshawn Johnson to win your fantasy football league this year.
• Didn't have to follow LaVell Edwards as BYU's football coach.
• Weren't the one whose idea it was to put Rush Limbaugh on Monday Night Football.
• Weren't the "fan" who interfered in the Cubs' playoff game.
• Aren't Mack Brown the week of the Texas-Oklahoma football game.
• Didn't have to stop West Keli'ikipi in open field.
• Aren't writing the checks to pay Alex Rodriguez.
• Aren't the guy who said, "ah, don't worry, Aloha Stadium has plenty of parking stalls."
• Weren't a WAC official working the UH-San Jose State football game.
• Don't have a Kim Willoughby smash headed your way.
• Didn't have Auburn in the national championship football pool.
• Don't have to be the one to tell Joe Paterno it is time to hang it up at Penn State.
• Aren't forced to out-bid George Steinbrenner for a free agent.
• Didn't get stuck with 10,000 leftover Dennis Franchione "Roll Tide!" bobble-head dolls.
• Aren't Jan Stephenson trying to get an endorsement deal in Korea.

Reach Ferd Lewis at flewis@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8040.