Means of coping with hurt explored
By Zenaida Serrano Espanol
Advertiser Staff Writer
Actress Goldie Hawn felt hopeless and questioned why she should continue in show business after the death of her mother, whom she took pride in pleasing.
Iyanla Vanzant, a best-selling author and inspirational speaker, was angry at herself for staying married for so long to an abusive and unfaithful husband.
Writer Isabel Allende mourned the loss of her country after a 1973 military coup in Chile forced the exile of her political family to Venezuela.
Pain comes in many forms, as illustrated by these women and 32 other contributors who share their stories of loss and means of coping in "The Gift of Pain: Transforming Hurt Into Healing" (Penguin, $14.95), by Honolulu resident and first-time author Barbara Altemus.
Altemus, a family therapist and life coach, explores the different types of pain — physical, emotional, mental or spiritual — by weaving her own narrative with similar experiences of world-renowned healers, peacemakers and artists.
Contributors such as Nobel Peace Prize laureate Rigoberta Menchœ Tum, actor Martin Sheen and the Rev. Michael Beckwith shared intimate details of their lives with Altemus to offer guidance and hope for people coping with pain.
"If we only experience joy and no pain, then life is one-dimensional," contributor and Hilo resident Kahu O Te-Rangi Kawananakoa told Altemus. "So pain is a part of life, pain is part of the process of learning and understanding."
Kawananakoa
Altemus, who holds master's degrees in psychology and Latin American studies, explored themes of childhood trauma, failure, addiction, divorce and even death.
She discovered there are as many different ways of healing, including ancient or alternative, as there are forms of pain. Altemus has worked in the healing arts for more than 25 years and is an active participant in the international peace movement.
"Pain is common to each and every one of us, and there are many paths to healing," Altemus said. "The one path that works for you is the right path. This path is unique for each one of us."
Wahiawa resident Leimomi Ruane's path is prayer.
Ruane carries on her legacy of ho'oponopono (dispute resolution), in which she incorporates forgiveness and the gift and power of prayers, Altemus wrote.
Ruane
"After falling down a flight of stairs and becoming paralyzed, Auntie Momi realized that her accident happened in order to bring her to her life's calling of praying with people and healing them," Altemus wrote.
Praying to connect with a higher power is also important to Vanzant.
"There is only one cure, and that is remembering that we are always connected to God and each other all of the time," Vanzant told Altemus. "I think that is the ultimate healing lesson and it is not necessary to create a big ritual about getting back our connection."
Prayer can be done anytime, anywhere, Vanzant said.
"And although the principles of faith, trust, belief and intent may sometimes be hard for us because we cannot always see the reasons and benefits of these things, the more we embody these qualities, the more we move from pain into joy," Vanzant said.
Author Barbara Altemus' book signings and speaking engagements: • 5-6 p.m. today, interview on KIPO FM 89.3. • 12:30-1:30 p.m. tomorrow, book signing at Bestsellers, downtown Honolulu. • 11 a.m.-2 p.m. Saturday, signing at Waldenbooks, Kahala. • 4 p.m. Oct. 12, signing at Borders, Ward Centre. • 3 p.m. Oct. 18, signing at Barnes & Noble, Kahala. • 7-8:30 p.m. Oct. 23, signing and speaking engagement at Honolulu Waldorf School. Altemus also conducts workshops based on her book. For information, call 590-2294, e-mail baltemus@aol.com or visit www.thegiftofpain.com.
Creative outlets are another means of healing. For Allende, that comes in the form of writing.
Where to meet Barbara Altemus
"I think that I moved through the different forms of pain, writing," Allende told Altemus when reflecting on the death of her daughter, Paula. "Writing is what has allowed me to move.
"And what is the writing? The writing is not the material thing of putting words on a piece of paper. It is the hours you spend alone," Allende said. "It's a journey inside, inside yourself to start with."
The simple act of crying provided Hawn some comfort after her mother's death.
"Tears are healing and they are healing on a metaphysical level and they're also healing on a physical level because tears are natural antibiotics," Hawn said to Altemus. "Also, tests have been done and results have been proven that tears strengthen the immune system. ... It's the connection you have to your heart center."
Giving back to others helped Jack Canfield, co-author of the popular "Chicken Soup for the Soul" series, deal with his father's violence that he experienced as a child.
Canfield moved through his childhood trauma by learning how to turn within for his own resources to heal, Altemus said.
"As he became clearer and stronger he began to share with others what he had learned, and sometimes giving back to others is the most healing action we can do," Altemus said. "When we heal and transform our childhood pain, we are given the opportunity to discover new meaning and purpose for our life. ... The hurt can serve as a gift, helping us to clarify what we want in life and how we can best share that with others."
But whatever form of healing one chooses, it is of "utmost importance" to cope with pain, Altemus said.
"In not understanding how to move through our pain into joy, we hurt ourselves, our children, our mates, friends, community, people of other nations, as well as Mother Earth and all of natural creation."
Reach Zenaida Serrano Espanol at zespanol@honoluluadvertiser.com or 535-8174.
