'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' remake may kill your desire for horror flicks

By Jack Garner
Gannett News Service

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (R) One-and-a-Half Stars (Poor-to-Fair) A remake of the 1974 horror classic about five young folks who are terrorized at the country home of a chainsaw-wielding wacko and his demented family. Jessica Biel stars for director Marcus Nispel. New Line, 98 minutes.

That's why I avoided the 1974 original: I knew what to expect and I didn't care to partake. And yet, Tobe Hooper's original survives as an acknowledged classic of its disreputable type that has spawned more than a dozen sequels and related titles.

Although Marcus Nispel's version has fairly impressive production values, appropriately morbid casting choices and a few capable performances, they're in service of a stupid, exploitative romp through gore, so what's the point?

In case you've also skipped the '74 version, here's the story: Five young people (Jessica Biel, Jonathan Tucker, Erica Leerhsen, Mike Vogel and Eric Balfour) are on the road in rural Texas and stop to aid an obviously distraught hitchhiker. This leads to her spectacularly bloody suicide, followed by an extended stay in a rural community where a chainsaw-wielding wacko cuts up anyone who crosses his path. A grossly disfigured fellow (Andrew Bryniarski), he uses the skin of his victims to fashion new visages for himself; hence, the term Leatherface.

But it gets even funkier: Leatherface is helped by his entire, demented family — his wheelchair-bound father, his mother, two sisters, and an especially sleazy sheriff. While I know the world is sadly populated with psycho killers, it's hard to imagine an entire family of them, eating Cheerios together around the breakfast table.

The story gets mileage out of supposedly being true. In fact, it's only vaguely related to the real-life horrors of Ed Gein, a Wisconsin recluse and cannibalistic killer. But Gein acted alone, among several other differences. (Alfred Hitchcock also used Gein's tale as a very loose influence on "Psycho.")

As horror stories go, the new "Chainsaw" has legitimate jump moments. You'll be frightened, at least a few times. But you'll also be bored with these uninspiring young folks, especially for the first 40 minutes, before Leatherface yanks on his chainsaw's rope starter. In fact, you may find yourself perversely wishing someone, anyone, would dispatch these kids, the sooner the better.

By the way, even though the story is set, like the original, in 1974, the two sexy young women still wear low-slung pants that guarantee an exposed midriff. Anybody remember that fashion in '74? As for creativity, the lone gee-whiz moment is when we get to view several characters through the hole in the suicide victim's head. If that does anything for you, have at it.

Rated R, with hard-core gore, profanity.