Posted on: Sunday, October 19, 2003

Urban tribes are more than just 'Friends'

By Karen S. Peterson
USA Today

Are you in your late 20s or early 30s and not married? Does your mother pester you about when you are going to give her a grandchild?

Tell mom your generation is exploring a life stage between college and marriage that is focused on bonding and maturing together in "urban tribes." This latest portrayal of adult development emphasizes delaying marriage until you know who you are.

The concept makes "perfect sense" to Stephanie Coontz, co-chair of the Council on Contemporary Families. "This idea is a creative adaptation to the fact people are marrying later in order to establish careers" and experience different types of relationships, she says. "Like it or not, we are having to seek a number of alternative ways to make and sustain commitments rather than just relying on marriage."

Chuck Balog, 31, says his tribe is "like my family away from home." Originally from Houston, he works in Washington, D.C. Tonight he is dining on steak at the Carlyle, with nine members of his "urban dinner" tribe, mostly staffers from Capitol Hill. "I can depend on them. I've just bought a house, and they will all be there to help paint."

Many of this group come from Oklahoma, says member Katie Gumerson, 29. "In Oklahoma, they marry young," she says. "It's nice to have a group here with mostly singles. It says being single is normal, healthy and happy."

The father of this label is Ethan Watters, whose "Urban Tribes: A Generation Redefines Friendship, Family, and Commitment" arrives in stores this week. Although friend groups have been around for generations, Watters says: "What is new is that so many exist as part of extended tribes. And we stay in them for so much longer."

Watters' research base is the more than 1,000 young adults he heard from after publishing a short magazine article on tribes in 2001.

Tribes vary greatly, Watters says. Many are intricate, tightly knit, mixed-sex groups of singles, who support each other emotionally, exchange favors and sometimes take trips together. Some tribes have a half-dozen members, others balloon up to about 25. Some members eventually marry and bring new blood into the tribe, as have several in the Capitol Hill group.

Tribes are often formed by a core group who work together or went to the same college, who then bring in other members, Watters says. Many have an enviable sense of freedom, seemingly endless time to make and then correct life choices, including jobs and partners.

"My mom had me at 27," says Jennifer Morgan, 32, of Ohio. Her tribe of 25 is composed of several "mini tribes" and has been together about 10 years. "At 27, I was still figuring out what to do with my life."

The minis travel together from beaches to mountains. "It is as simple as looking for our place in the world," Morgan says. "And if you never find anyone (to marry), you still have us. You are never alone."

Tribe members don't see themselves reflected in the popular NBC show "Friends," who virtually live in each other's pockets. "We are not co-dependent like that," says Sarah Jarrett, 26, a member of the D.C. dinner tribe. "We are much healthier than they are."

Kerri Richardson, 32, of New York has been divorced. She belongs to a tribe "much more diverse" than "Friends" portrays, she says, one with multiple races and religions. They provide a genuine support system. "Husbands and wives may come and go. But your friends are forever."