By Lee Cataluna
Advertiser Columnist

How many times do we swear we'll never mix friendship and business? How many times do we promise ourselves we won't do stuff we don't want to do?

Yet Hawai'i people are so kind-hearted — and so averse to conflict — that we end up fixing our neighbor's fence (again), playing music at our friend's baby party for free (eh, how come they paying the clown and not the band?!) and baking 40 dozen macadamia crunch cookies for our co-worker's friend's cousin's daughter's fund-raiser.

Which is fine. Sure. Happy to help and all that.

But too often, it takes a turn.

A woman who wanted to withhold her name, because she didn't want to stir up trouble, shared her version of the "happy to help" feeling taking that yucky turn. She works in real estate. It all started when a former co-worker asked about a house that sold in his neighborhood.

"Being the good friend that I was, I looked up the property in the Multiple Listing Service and shared the information with him. That set the stage for his making a decision to sell his home. Next, he joined me for lunch (not at my invitation) with another former co-worker and proceeded to grill me for information on selling his property together with his neighbor. Apparently, he had shared my 'free information' on the sale of the house up the street with his neighbor. Now his neighbor was interested in selling his home, too.ÊSo, being the good friend that I was, I gave him my two cents worth of opinion on marketing their homes at the same time."

Next came an invitation to a party at the guy's house, which conveniently included a tour of both properties and a barrage of questions on how to best market the places.

"About two weeks later, I was informed that he and his neighbor were interviewing real-estate professionals and that I could makeÊa presentation, too, in order to get their listing."

You could probably guess that she didn't get the listing. The reasons, she was told, were that she wasn't willing to accept a lower commission and she didn't really know about selling homes in that area.

That's just one example. There are so many.

The hairstylist who puts in long days in the salon only to come home to a line of nonpaying customers who "just want a fast-kind perm."

The attorney everyone corners at parties for "quick questions."

The chef expected to cook at every family party. (My family has one of those who always obliges, poor thing. And he buys the ingredients. Aue!)

And God help you if you happen to own a truck. People are suddenly your best best friends when they need to move a sofa or California King bed.

It probably all has to do with expectations. When a friend asks a favor, the expectation is that it's not something that's very hard to do or to give.

But lots of times, people aren't as well-off or as un-busy as they may seem. Or as willing. Sometimes, that local-style "be nice" business gets in the way of honesty, and dishonesty gets in the way of doing a favor "from the heart."

Perhaps the easiest way to avoid hard feelings is to always offer to pay for a friend's professional advice or service. That way, that person has the opportunity to be magnanimous and say, "Nah, braddah. We friends.

No need pay."

And of course, of course, say thank you and offer to reciprocate. You help me sell your house, I help you perm your hair. Something like that.

Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com.