By Lee Cataluna
Advertiser Columnist

A few months ago, the problem got to that point where it couldn't be ignored. The lone little coconut tree was losing its mind.

It was going nuts. (Heh heh.)

The upper reaches were full of flowers and happy, busy bees. The lower fronds were drooping with the weight of dozens of big green cannon balls.

In the middle of the night, the coconuts would self-launch, hitting the ground with a mighty "dooonk!"

At first it was, whoa, check it out. The coconut tree get ... coconuts. Plenty, plenty coconuts.

And then it was, nah, must have craters in the grass from where all the big ones landed.

And finally, it was, ho, this thing is out of control already. You know how to make haupia?

(Yeah. You buy the package mix from Foodland.)

So I call the family expert on such matters, a graduate of the University of Hawai'i school of tropical agriculture.

Apparently, he skipped coconut class.

I ask, "How do I get all these coconuts off the tree?"

His first answer was something sassy, like, park a brand new car right underneath and they'll all fall down on their own. Yuk yuk yuk.

"No really. I can probably reach them with a ladder. Is there a certain way to pick them?"

Hire a professional, he says.

Right. This is the age of HGTV and Do-It-Yourself everything.

So Sunday was coconut harvesting day.

Can you even pick green coconuts? Don't you have to wait until they're grey and frayed on the outside, like the kind in "Cast Away"?

According to T.M. Gorman's book "Fruit, the Ripe Pick," a coconut tree needs to absorb 100 gallons of water to generate a single coconut.

No wonder the water bill is so high. And all this time, I was catching the blame for long showers.

But this wasn't about what was ripe. It was about saving that poor tree from its overproductive self.

After a couple of hours and, miraculously, no bee stings, about two dozen green coconuts sat along the curb between three bags of leaves and a pile of branches. Bring on the green waste pickup!

But, poho. Wouldn't it be nice if someone just happened to be driving down the street thinking to himself, "Gee, if only I had 24 green coconuts, I could make a really great ... "?

I can't even imagine what someone would do with 24 green coconuts.

But apparently, someone drove by and had just that, or some very similar, thought because this morning, all the coconuts were gone, except one.

Nice when things work out the way they're supposed to. That tree was working so hard for someone. Just not someone at its house.

Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com.