She's in love with a guy who lets parents decide whom he weds
By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer
Dear Tanya: I fell in love with a University of Hawai'i student from the Solomon Islands. In May, he left for the Solomons, as he hadn't been home in two years. He was planning to take two years off from college. He also was supposed to have an arranged marriage at home. I was devastated when he left, thinking I would never see him again. We e-mailed every day. He decided he didn't want to get married until he finishes his degree. He also decided he wants to go back to college soon, perhaps in Australia, as it is closer to his home, and he wants to visit me for Christmas. He wants to come back to UH, but his parents don't want him to. I have been after him to stand on his own two feet and make his own decisions. This has made him very angry. He says I don't like his culture, where an individual never defies one's parents. Also, he is unemployed, and I have been sending him money for e-mail and his cell phone. I also sent him $1,000 for his plane fare to Honolulu. He is having student-visa problems because he is not a registered student at UH. Because there is no American Embassy in the Solomons, he will have to go to Fiji to obtain a visa, and may be turned down. There also is a civil war going on in the Solomon Islands. I worry constantly about his safety. Two days ago, I got angry because it didn't seem like he was trying hard enough to get a visa. I asked him to send my $1,000 back. This made him even angrier. I really don't know what to do. It seems like he is never going to come back to Hawai'i. I love him very much, but our relationship seems to have insurmountable hurdles.
— WORRIED IN WAIKIKI
Two words stand out in your letter that you seem to have glossed over: arranged marriage.
First off, what's the deal with that? Any torch you carry for this guy could end up in heartbreak if your "insurmountable hurdles" include his desire to please his parents and marry someone else.
The latest news from the Solomon Islands is that law and order has been restored, but there's probably more on this guy's mind than visiting you. Your money and willingness to be his life raft won't solve his problems.
If his life is there and yours is here, and the words "arranged marriage" are still in the picture, stop pining for someone you can't have. Make that Christmas visit your deadline for talking to him about whether you can work things out. If he doesn't show, save yourself some heartache and move on.
Need advice? Write to Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802, fax 525-8055 or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.
