The marrying kind

By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer

Thursday, Oct. 29, 2003

John Molloy thinks he knows what drives a man to marry.

The market researcher and author interviewed 2,500 couples coming out of marriage-license bureaus for his new book, "Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others" (Warner Books, $21.95).

If you look at his book as a new version of "The Rules" (which I never followed), it's more like a guide on how to get a guy to marry you. His lesson is to think like a business executive: find your market, set goals and enforce deadlines. Now that doesn't sound very romantic.

But could he be right?

My unscientific research of my friends indicates the road to marriage isn't so regimented. There are bumps like "starter marriages" (when you realize in your 20s that your first marriage was a mistake) or other priorities, like establishing a career first.

I'm 33, and this is my first marriage. There were years when I received dishes and glassware for my birthday and Christmas, perhaps because my mother wondered whether my name would ever appear on a bridal registry.

I don't regret taking my time or calling off a near-wedding in my 20s. It gave me time to do things I wanted and figure out I wasn't the kind of person Molloy writes about as a model marrying kind: the kind of woman who pushes a man to marry. I'm not so sure pressure seals the deal.

The no-pressure approach worked for me. Last Christmas, my guy gave me a necklace in an engagement-ring box (a cruel trick if you ask me) to judge my reaction. Apparently, my reaction was "not so fast!" because he waited seven more months to pop the question. By then, I was ready.

If I hadn't been, I could find all sorts of doomsday predictions about how my chances of ever having children are dwindling every day or how I'd end up a spinster.

Business methods are all the rage in the publishing industry when it comes to husband-hunting strategy books. Just check out www.findahusbandafter35.com. It starts off asking "Why are you single?" (as if you did something wrong if you are.) There you'll find Rachel Greenwald, author of "Find a Husband After 35: What I Learned at Harvard Business School" (Ballantine Books, $ 22.95).

What's so wrong with being single? There are 28 million single women over the age of 35 in the United States, and I narrowly missed being one of them. I still find myself wanting to defend them, even though I have only a few weeks left as a singleton.

Before I stroll down the aisle, I'm still safe saying this: The business-strategy theory of finding a man makes me cringe. It's contrived to play on the fear of those 28 million single women. And as long as that's the kind of thing that makes the best-seller list, dating and mating will seem a lot more like acquisitions and takeovers than the stuff of life outside of work.

Tanya Bricking writes about relationships for The Advertiser. Reach her at tbricking@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8026.

Lone rangers

If being single leaves you looking for a game plan, here are the business strategies in some of those husband-hunting books on the market:

His tips:

• Love yourself first, because men are attracted to self-confident women.
• Ditch your male friends, because female friends are more likely to introduce you to single men.
• Get in shape, because you are at least 60 percent more likely to get married if you are thin.
• Be careful with divorced men, because bitter ones may never marry again.
• Avoid confirmed bachelors, because there may be a good reason they've never married.
• Opposites don't necessarily attract, because people are looking for someone they have something in common with.

Source: "Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others" (Warner Books, $21.95)

Her tips:

• Market yourself with a single focus of finding your man.
• Ask for support from your girlfriends.
• Package yourself to look feminine.
• Cast a wider net.
• Create your "brand identity."
• Advertise that you are available.
• Improve your product: Recharge yourself.
• Evaluate your results.
• Exit strategy: When a date clicks, steer him toward commitment.

Source: "Find a Husband After 35: What I Learned at Harvard Business School" (Ballantine Books, $22.95)

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