FAMILY MATTERS
Old Hawaiian custom still holds true: Always kiss a kinsman
By Ka'ohua Lucas
"Get over here and give me a hug," I said with outstretched arms.
"OK," my 9-year-old said dutifully, throwing his arms around my waist with one eye on his school buddies.
"What? You shame?" I asked.
"No."
While other parents waved good-bye to their little darlings from the comfortable interiors of their cars, I stood on the sidewalk in the morning sun. I leaned over and kissed the top of his head.
"Hey, I thought your were only going to give me a hug," he complained, peeling himself away.
"Too bad," I chirped.
In old Hawai'i, it was common courtesy to honi in greeting and in parting.
Mary Kawena Pukui wrote in "The Polynesian Family System in Ka'u, Hawai'i": "When I was a child, men, women and children kissed each other, a common greeting for all."
She added: "To refuse to kiss a kinsman was considered rude (ho'okano). A person who avoided his friends and relatives was ho'okano."
My kids understand this concept far too well. No kiss? Pay the ultimate price — embarrassment in front of the friends.
When my daughter was 10 years old, my husband dropped her off at school. She opened the door to his truck to get out and a shoe, a pair of dirty socks and a tape cassette fell to the ground. She was so embarrassed that she snatched up the items and threw them into the truck.
"Give me a kiss good-bye," he said, pursing his lips.
"Forget it," she said as she slammed the truck door shut, running over to where her friends stood. She thought she was home free, but he refused to budge.
Idling his jalopy, he tooted his horn several times until she turned around. Then revving the engine he waved from the passenger window.
She gave a limp wave then bolted in the direction of the school cafeteria.
In every family, there is certain etiquette when greeting or bidding farewell to someone. A handshake is common. In Hawaiian culture, a honi is considered proper.
That could mean placing the nostril gently beside the person who is being greeted and breathing deeply, drawing in the essence of the person. Or in more recent times, kissing the cheek or gently touching lip to lip.
My sons have me wired. They know that a peck on my cheek will save them from an embarrassing situation.
One of our friends told us a story about his daughter, then 13 years old. She refused to give him a kiss good-bye when he dropped her off at school in front of the gym.
As she turned to leave, she remembered she had forgotten a book in her dad's car.
"Dad," she called out. "Wait!"
She ran to the car and was about to grab the door handle when he popped the accelerator and the car lurched forward.
She ran up to the car, and he hit the gas pedal again.
Kids began arriving at school and gawked at the spectacle of their classmate, jogging after a white Monte Carlo.
"Did you ever stop to let her get the book?" I asked.
"Yeah," he said. "An' I tod her next time no tink you so hot dat you no need geev me honi."
Words spoken by a true Hawaiian dad.
Reach Ka'ohua Lucas at Family Matters, 'Ohana section, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; fax 525-8055; or at ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com.
