Bride-to-be gets plenty of warning
| • | The Wedding Planner's Web log |
By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer
"I advise against marriage," a colleague on his third one said as I walked out of the office the other day.
The first one or two don't take, he told me.
I explained it was my fiancé's second try, so maybe that was in my favor. Unless I keep writing about him. That could be my downfall.
"Hope springs eternal," my colleague said.
Umm, thanks.
It's amazing the warnings you get when you are about to be married.
A person with colder feet might be frozen by now.
I don't even know how to respond to most of it. I just let it sink in.
But, when provoked by an e-mail from an editor about a new book dissing the institution of marriage, I decided to call Laura Kipnis, the author of "Against Love: A Polemic" (Pantheon, $24), and see what was so wrong about tying the knot.
Kipnis, a professor of media studies at Northwestern University, says her book is more a political argument than one trying to give anyone advice about anything.
"I'm not trying to dissuade anyone against getting married," she said. "I think people are so desperate for advice that they're trying to make it into an advice book."
It's a good thing I'm not looking to her book for words of wisdom, because it says marriage takes too much work. She reminds her readers that half of all American marriages end in divorce. She praises adultery as "the nearest thing to a popular uprising against the regimes of contemporary coupledom." And although she admits that because it's a polemic, her argument is stylized and sometimes overstated, she says it's not meant to be tongue in cheek.
Then she congratulated me on my impending nuptials.
Umm, thanks.
Tanya Bricking writes about relationships for the Advertiser.
[Posted on September 21, 2003 at 10:37 am HST]
I agree with the previous reviewer; this has to be one of the worst book reviews I've ever read..
jjooa
oahu
[Posted on September 12, 2003 at 2:16 pm HST]
I can't believe you are a paid staffer.
I know it's a weak paper, but do you pay by the line to have your stuff printed?
j reyes-burke
Oahu
[Posted on September 12, 2003 at 8:44 am HST]
Marriage is all about mutual respect, trust and an agreement of what life is all about..If you don't agree on the basic principals of how you will live your life then it will never work because you will both be unhappy. I'm 25 and already divorced once and if I only learned one thing, it would be if you don't agree on principals then you might as well not get married. Love is great, but it will not get you through the storm of marriage!
CW
Kailua, HI
[Posted on September 12, 2003 at 8:01 am HST]
I'm a non-Christian but I went to the engaged encounter with my fiance. I didn't like go, but I went for her. I have to agree, that time with her was priceless. I believe in God more now and hope other guys go too. Marriage is not just lust or marrying someone that you have a baby with but a union of two souls that should always be open, honest, and loving to each other through thick and thin. With God in our lives too we know that we will be happier.
Keith
Honolulu
[Posted on September 12, 2003 at 7:59 am HST]
Speaking as someone who just emerged from divorce, I think the true measure of marriage is whether two people can be “partners in life.” This has almost nothing to do with love, but more so with mutual respect, integrity and character. To know beyond the shadow of a doubt what each of you expect from each other, how you both define the roles of “husband” and “wife,” and even more importantly, how you define the roles “father” and “mother.”
Today, you define your roles with each other quite differently and things have probably been good. The romance, the companionship, the love, the dreams of children, these are all the things that draw us towards coupling. Unfortunately, these are not the things that sustain a marriage. What keeps a relationship going is duty, commitment and hard work; no more and certainly, no less.
Have you worked out what you expect – what you really expect from each other as a “husband” and a “wife?” Things change when you adopt new labels, and they keep changing. The one thing that is certain is your life will continue to move forward and how you adapt to change as partners will define your marriage. I rest my case on how many times have you heard of couples who were together for a long while, got married (or had children) and broke up. It happens a lot.
The one thing you should realize and understand is that with marriage, there will be days, weeks and sometimes months where you won’t love him and he won’t love you. The romance will be gone and in its place will be diapers, long hours at work or something else. You will face monotony, adversity and triumphs together and how you react to these, either as partners or solo, will be what holds or breaks your relationship.
Marriage is a long journey across rough seas, and it requires a strong partner to weather your storms together. Be sure he is your “partner” and you are his; nothing less.
Best wishes!
Kevin Johnson
Honolulu
[Posted on September 12, 2003 at 7:54 am HST]
Marriage in today's society has lost a lot of it's meaning. Marriage is suppose to be a sacred Christian bond, which if more people really understood what that means and entails, then we wouldn't have as much divorce. As a great saying goes that I learned at the Catholic Engagement Encounter I recently attended here on Oahu, "A Wedding is a Day, a Marriage is a Lifetime." That saying alone should get people to open their eyes about what they're truly getting into. I cannot recommend enough for Christians and non-Christians to attend the Engagement Encounter held here (or wherever they live), how much you learn about yourself and each other, and the importance of communication. This encounter will strengthen the love between two people ten-fold, or will help people realize that they aren't meant to be.
Mahalo,
C.C.
C.C.
Aiea, HI
[Posted on September 12, 2003 at 5:49 am HST]
I'm commenting about whether you should keep your maiden name to hold onto your identity.
I had a girlfirend that didn't want to take her husband's name for fear that if things didn't work out, she would'nt have a problem changing her name back. What a cowardly way to live your life! She should not spend time on what ifs. Obviously if one has to think about the future of their relationship, in that aspect, then one should not contemplate marriage with this person.
I believe that when you marry the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, you acquire pieces of him. Taking his name is one of them. How you choose to retain your own identity has nothing to do with taking your husband's name. It is about believing in yourself and being comfortable in who you are. If losing your identity is solely based on changing your name, then you didn't have much of an identity before.
Cheryl-lynn Funk
California
