Shot down on the Web

• Tips for surviving Internet dating

By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer

In his 10-month experiment with Internet dating, attorney Eric F. Fagan broke meeting women down to a science.

It wasn't an exact science. There were some misfired e-mails, dates with no chemistry and a whole strategy about bailing out gracefully when he didn't want to see his date again.

But Fagan, a San Diego attorney, found his match, Ute Goldkuhle, a former University of Hawai'i School of Nursing teacher, after whittling down a list of 1,000 profiles and finally meeting the one who clicked.

Then he wrote a book, "Cast Your Net" (Harvard Common Press, $14.95), a step-by-step how-to guide about writing a profile to attract potential partners, spotting red flags, knowing what to say, where to meet and even how to end things.

His success came only after figuring out how to avoid the pitfalls of online dating.

"You can look any time, day or night," Fagan said. "And if something doesn't work, you can hit the 'delete' button."

If you're an Internet dater, you know that delete button can be cruel. And even colder? The automatic pop-up ad for Weight Watchers that comes up on Emode.com right after asking you to rate your attractiveness.

Finding a match may be more of an art than a science, but online dating services are crunching everything from personality test results to census data to come up with a formula for making love work.

It helps to know there are plenty of potential speed bumps along the way. Here are a few of them:

It can be tough love. On eharmony.com, you can be rejected on the basis of your personality test alone. You can fail it and never know why. The service rejects about 20 percent of its applicants and says some people just aren't soul-mate material.

It can be blind. On match.com, a personality test will tell you how neurotic you are, but it doesn't make you post a photo. A screen name isn't everything. People lie. Scales and mirrors are relative concepts in cyberspace.

Shirley Glasco, 29, a Honolulu Internet dater who is 5 feet 9, expressed an interest in tall men in her online dating profile.

"One guy said he was 6 feet," she said. "He was so not 6 feet when he showed up. How do you think you can lie about something like that?"

She says his sense of humor saved him, but she's normally pretty blunt.

"If you blatantly lie about your appearance," she said, "I'm not going to sit there politely and go through the date."

It can be a small world. You think dating in Hawai'i is a small circle? Try dating on www.friendsmeetfriends.com. You have to be referred by a friend. The good part about it is that people are less likely to lie about themselves, said Janiece Smith, founder of the service in Taft, Calif. (The bad part? Everybody knows your business, although that does make it easier for you to do a background check on your date.)

"It's taking away the fear of people misrepresenting themselves," she said. "The chances of somebody deceiving you through a community of friends is much less likely than through strangers."

It can be brutal. HotorNot.com lets people vote, and rankings tell you bluntly if you're hot or not. (The site does give a little credit to Hawai'i in terms of its hotness factor. Its readers ranked Honolulu as the third-hottest city in the nation for "hottest men," just behind San Diego and Miami, and 10th for "hottest women.")

Typical HotorNot profile from Hawai'i? It's complete with photo shot at arm's length by the subject: "Kooky girl in Hawaii. Moving to Idaho soon. Not quite sure what I'm looking for. I am a photographer and artist. Come pose for me?" Hot or not? You decide.

It can make fun back. Some sites have spoofs. AmIAnnoying.com, a parody of HotorNot.com, jokes about the superficiality and popularity of such sites.

It can be elitist. Friendster.com is invitation-only. GreatBoyfriends.com and GreatGirlfriends.com make exes vouch for a dater's worthiness on the site. TheSquare.com allows students and graduates of only 25 top schools. (Listings include island Ivy Leaguers: "An eccentric young genius, Free Market advocate and Objectivist-leaning Libertarian living in Hawaii.")

It can be weird. Adultfriendfinder.com is one of the tamer sites for swingers and, ahem, adventurous daters. It attracts some of our own islanders, including "alohajoy" who says she's a 33-year-old Honolulu "bi-curious female seeking beautiful women/couples/single male." The site said she had five new cupid matches.

It can come down to religion. JDate.com is for Jewish singles only. BigChurch.com can find you a prayer partner (including someone on O'ahu who will pray with you if you seek "deliverance from demonic oppression.")

It can be expensive. Monthly fees on many match sites range from $20 to $30 a month.

It can be complicated. Solvedating.com has a "soulmate calculator" that lets you choose your preferences in a mate using Census data on such things as age and ethnicity. Then it tells you how many people you'll have to date before finding your perfect partner.

It can be sweet. And not just for lovebirds. Ask the entrepreneurs making money off American subscribers who spent $302 million on online dating last year, according to market researcher comScore Networks.

It can mean never having to say you're sorry. Jamie McNamara, 31, a Kona real estate salesman, once went to Maui with a pal for a weekend to meet people they had corresponded with on the Internet. McNamara didn't make a love connection. His friend did. She even married a guy she met on an Internet dating site.

McNamara has seen that it can work. But he isn't convinced he'll find love in bytes. He says he has no problems with logging off and searching for love somewhere else, too.

Tanya Bricking writes about relationships for The Advertiser. Reach her at tbricking@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8026.

Tips for surviving Internet dating

• Select a site that fits your style.
• Avoid underagers and married cheaters.
• Write a catchy profile or have a friend do it for you.
• Use a good photo that's recent.
• State your benefits more than your needs.
• Be specific about "deal breakers" like religion, smoking, drugs, ethnic concerns, age.
• Talk briefly and consider meeting for coffee at a public place. Bring along a friend (spy) in case your gut feeling is uneasy. Keep the meeting to 30 minutes.
• Plan something after your 30 minutes so you have to leave on time.
• If there is mutual interest, proceed to normal dating.
• This is supposed to be fun. If it makes you frustrated, jaded, overwhelmed or scared, put it on the back burner for a few months.

Source: "Hook Up With a Nice Catch Online," by Steve Nakamoto, a motivational speaker and communications instructor for Dale Carnegie & Associates