The artful bill dodger
• How to be a sponger
• A look into the cheapskate file
By Barbara Yost
Arizona Republic
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| Consequences of dodging your share of a bill are not insignificant. Friendships can be harmed. Business deals can be lost.
Illustration by Martha P. Hernandez • The Honolulu Advertiser |
The cheapskate couple ordered first, selecting the high-priced meal. As the others ordered, they requested separate checks. On second thought, the first couple announced, they would just have a sandwich.
Marion and Dave Greenberg tell the story of their parsimonious friends with relish, now that time has passed since the incident.
But check-splitting horrors continue to leave a bad taste in the mouths of dining companions nationwide. Americans eat out an average of 4.2 times per week, according to the National Restaurant Association. Restaurants were recently ranked the No. 1 venue for conducting meetings outside the office. With that much table talk going on, etiquette breaches are bound to happen.
Consequences of dodging your share of a bill are not insignificant. Friendships can be harmed. Business deals can be lost.
The motive could be ignorance, rudeness or cheapness, says Lesley Carlin, one of the self-proclaimed Etiquette Grrls, authors of "Things You Need to Know: An Etiquette Manifesto" (Putnam, 2002).
Much of what is dismissed as etiquette faux pas is just boorish human behavior, Carlin says from her office in Dedham, Mass.
There are quick ways to handle boors. When she was a graduate student years ago, Carlin says, friends who tried to sponge were politely told to mind their peas and stews and pay up.
The best way to avoid falling victim to a sponger, she says, is to be the one who handles the check and let others know what they owe. But don't commit another faux pas by pulling out a calculator and dividing to the penny.
When friends dine together frequently, she says, "in the long run, it will work out."
Although Carlin says business occasions incite rudeness less often than social settings do, New Jersey business etiquette instructor Barbara Pachter has her own horror stories. She tells of the female executive who invited her secretary for an expensive lunch and then split the check. The boss expensed her half, while the secretary had to pony up.
Cheapness aside, some people simply don't remember what they ate, says Pachter, author of the manual on manners "When Little Things Count ... and They Always Count" (Marlowe & Co., $12.95) Or they forget to include tax and tip.
"Most people are not true jerks out to stiff their friends," she says. "It's unawareness."
Modern business protocol has eliminated many etiquette breaches, Pachter says. The person doing the inviting is expected to pay. That's good news for men.
"If you are the host, you did the inviting, you pay the bill regardless of gender," she says. "It used to be men paid."
In many corporations, the highest-ranking executive picks up the tab.
To avoid disputes over a check, hosts can take care of the bill in advance. Hand the server or maitre d' your credit card as you arrive.
If the meal is your treat, let guests know before they order, Linda Herold says, and be prepared to pay up whether it's lobster or a grilled cheese sandwich.
Herold, publisher of the Herold Report, an online newsletter for businesswomen, says she has been stuck on the other end, forced to pay when she was invited.
"I don't dwell on it," she says. "I move on."
Men are no less nitpicky about bills than are women, Herold says. She believes some men wrestle for the check because it makes them feel powerful.
What's a server to do?
While cantankerous diners are airing their dirty laundry, some waiters and waitresses are being taken to the cleaners. Servers can get caught in the middle of a messy check dispute.
"It's very uncomfortable," says David Rothschild, a former waiter and author of the server's guide "The Main Course on Table Service and the upcoming Main Course on Dining Etiquette" (Booklocker.com, $28.95). Rothschild runs courses for servers.
When servers see customers fighting over a bill, Rothschild says, they assume they can kiss a big tip goodbye. His best advice to the wait staff is to back off and return when the dispute has been settled.
One bone of contention, Rothschild says, comes when drinkers expect teetotalers to subsidize their alcohol consumption. The answer, he says, is to put liquor on a separate bill.
Blatant sponging also can be curbed. Although some restaurants won't give separate checks, they might do "family" checks: one bill per couple or family.
The problem with too many checks, restaurants say, is confusion in the kitchen and trying to keep together all orders for one table. Some servers believe they get shortchanged in the tip department when patrons pay separately.
But don't believe it when you hear that no restaurant will issue separate checks for everyone, Rothschild says. Businesses that have a computerized "point of sale" system can divide a bill with the click of a mouse. When the order is placed, it's sent on one tab to the kitchen. After the meal, the computer separates it and spits out multiple checks.
Call around to see which restaurants use the system and which are sympathetic to independent diners even without a computer. The good ones will fight for your business.
• • •
Here are 10 tips for taking advantage of the generosity of others when dining out. This will save you money and reduce the time you'll have to spend with friends and acquaintances in the future:
- Bring only large bills. When your server is unable to change that Ben Franklin, throw up your hands and decry the small-town mentality of the restaurant.
- "Forget" to bring your cash or credit card. But don't confess until after you've eaten.
- Steer the conversation to the federal tax cut and ask, "How much did you guys get? I didn't get anything."
- Just as the bill arrives, head for the restroom. If caught, describe bodily ailments in graphic detail.
- Graciously offer to handle the check, insisting, "That was such a fine waitress, we should leave 25 percent." Leave 10 percent and pocket the difference.
- Say you've given your money to the war on terrorism.
- Instead of ordering your own meal, announce, "I'll just taste a little of what you're having."
- Take offense at any remark made after you've eaten, then storm out, shouting: "I don't have to stay here and take that."
- Bring the kids and tell them to dig in. When the bill comes, pay only for yourself and explain, "They just eat like birds."
- At some point during dinner, slap your forehead and say, "I just remembered. Today's my birthday."
• • •
A look into the cheapskate file
These are actual events in which check etiquette was violated:
Expense Account Eddie. A vendor invited Paul Sypniewski to lunch. As an employee of a regulated agency, Sypniewski was allowed a limited "gift amount" and paid his own way. His host collected cash from everyone at the table and paid with his credit card. Sypniewski learned later that the vendor expensed the entire amount of the check.
Discount Dan. Jim Hart was dining out with a group of dentists. When the check came, one of them collected money from the table, then handed the waitress a credit card and another card. The waitress squealed that the miserly doc had used a 20 percent discount coupon and kept the cash.
Hungry Hannah. Christie Vollmecke attended a birthday dinner with friends. One woman ordered only soup but ate generously from several dishes the table ordered to share. Before the check came, the woman skipped out, leaving only money to cover the soup.
Vanishing Vinnie. Brice Rickey had a friend he called "Cluffer." In restaurants, Cluffer found a way to drink for free: He'd chug leftover drinks at vacant tables or "mistakenly" grab someone else's drink. When the bill came for his party of friends, Cluffer would disappear, usually hightailing it for home. One friend followed Cluffer one night and extracted Cluffer's share of the bill with his fists.
Tip-swiping Tom. At a dinner a groom threw to honor his best man before his wedding, Pam Lyons and her husband, Steve (the best man), were shocked to be charged for their portion of the meal. Then, when Steve left a $20 tip on the table, the groom slipped the money into his pocket. Steve snatched back the pilfered $20 and gave it to the waitress.
Bonnie and Clyde (a variation of Vanishing Vinnie). Two friends invited Kevin Barlay to dinner in a Chinese restaurant. When the check came, Bonnie and Clyde said they hadn't brought enough money and would dash to the nearest ATM. Twenty minutes later, unable to cover the bill, Barlay realized his friends weren't coming back. Violating a no-check policy, the angry restaurant owner agreed to take Barlay's check but banned him from returning. As he left the restaurant, Barlay found his companions waiting across the street.
