'Idol' CDs range from stone awful to awesome

By Derek Paiva
Advertiser Entertainment Writer

So you're auditioning for "American Idol" this week.

First off ... best of luck!

But if you haven't bothered to check out any of the CDs or DVDs "Idol" producers have foisted upon us in recent months for style tips, you can probably kiss goodbye any chance of whooping it up with fellow finalists in those phat Ford Focus ads.

No time, you say? No problem.

We've taken the time — oh, so much time as it turns out — to slog through the music for you.

Our final word on all four "Idol" CD releases as well as Paula Abdul's most recent masterpiece follow. Each has a stone rating (in honor of Simon Cowell's now-famous quote, "If you were singing like this two thousand years ago, people would have stoned you"). The more stones, the worse the CD.

As you know, auditioners, America voted. And here's what we got for our trouble.

"Thankful" by Kelly Clarkson; RCA
No stones

The model to follow. With a gifted and amazingly-ranged vox able to make buttah out of pop, gospel, R&B, dance and even country, Clarkson is given enough room and good material here to show-off the confidence and poise of a seasoned pro. On "Miss Independent," the "A.I." champ's sultry rasp turns a Christina Aguilera cast-off into a sexy underrated dance romp.

Clarkson even one-ups Mariah with "The Trouble With Love Is" and "Some Kind Of Miracle," a couple of subdued yet masterfully-belted tracks the wayward Carey — recently heard singing back-up for the likes of Busta Rhymes — might be wise to add to her iPod. And extra points for keeping the heck away from her debut CD the likes of ...

"Justin Guarini" by Justin Guarini; RCA
4 stones

Dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg! I'll admit I didn't tune in for every scintillating minute of "American Idol" in 2002. But, sheesh, was this hairball with a pulse really the second-best vocalist the competition could cough up? Like his cloying, strangely asexual TV persona, Guarini's music offers zero glimpses of anything resembling a personality stamp. Which means all that's left here is warmed-over Babyface and Brian McKnight (both shamelessly feeding at the "American Idol" trough) sung by a K-Mart level Justin Timberlake wannabe coloring by the numbers. Only an appearance by Clarkson saves the otherwise forgettable duet "Timeless." A CD that's nearly unlistenable a second time, and as wretched and unnecessary as expired Afro Sheen.

"Flying Without Wings/ Superstar" by Ruben Studdard; J
2 stones

On TV, 2003 champ big Ru was the Michigan J. Frog of "American Idol" contestants: alive and a joy to watch when showing off his good, but not stunning, baritone; like a child's toy with its batteries removed when not. No surprise then that without the visuals, Studdard's take on these two compositions (one a Carpenters classic, the other the worst kind of nauseating lyrical piffle) comes off as pedestrian and flat as a freshly painted sidewalk. Here's hoping the Velvet Teddy Bear fares better on his November full-length debut, "Soulful."

"Bridge Over Troubled Water/This Is The Night" by Clay Aiken; RCA
1 stone

Aiken's heavenly live take on Simon and Garfunkel's "Bridge" should've guaranteed him the "American Idol" crown, even when matched with the schmaltzy "Night." (I mean, let's not kid ourselves, Ru's "Flying Without Wings" was no "Let It Be.") Here, however, the lanky Aiken's astounding big-as-a-Studdard-205-tee voice is asked to beat back a too-loud gospel choir and over-produced orchestral arrangement that almost overwhelms it. The studio wizards give Aiken's voice room with "Night," but the song itself reads like sheet music from a Josh Groban reject pile. Aiken deserved better. His debut "Measure Of A Man" bows Oct. 14.

"Head Over Heels" by Paula Abdul; Virgin, 1995
4 stones

In a word ... Ewww. This hopelessly off-key warbler is judging young, talented and impressionable vocalists? Whoever wrote the Abdul mess that is "Ho-Down" should be locked in a room with nothing but Guarini's CD and a stereo with a volume knob permanently set at "11."

Reach Derek Paiva at dpaiva@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8005.