KISSES AND MISSES
Building trust takes forgiveness, commitment on both sides

By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer

•	For better or for ... He thought they were happy together, but 11 years into a marriage, a husband discovers his wife's affair. Should they stick it out? Vote in our poll online.

Dear Miss Honolulu: I hope it is OK to call you that. I need some advice. Recently, I found out from my best friend that my boyfriend cheated on me with someone I know. I forgave him because I love him, and we have been trying to work it out. Since then, he actually has been a better boyfriend overall, but I still have doubts. I am trying to put the past behind us, but I can't trust him the way I used to. I feel like a low self-esteem guest from the "Jerry Springer" show. I know it has only been a month since it happened, but I can't seem to get it out of mind. I really don't have anyone to talk to because my best friend (a guy) is now dating the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with, so it is very awkward. What steps would you take to build the trust in this relationship again?

It's the "forget" part of "forgive and forget" that trips you up, isn't it?

You could choose to look at it as a warning that your boyfriend is a philanderer looking for a way out of your relationship. Or you could give him the benefit of the doubt that he's a good guy who made a poor decision.

My theory is that key factors have to work in your favor to get over this kind of betrayal.

If you are willing to take him back, not only do you have to decide to forgive, but he has to decide to be forgiven and commit to working things out with you. That means he cuts all ties with the other woman and is sincere about your relationship being exclusive.

There's a fine line between falling for anything he says and indulging in a little healthy skepticism. If the cheating happened just a month ago, this trust thing is going to take a while.

You both have to be willing to talk about what happened, the hurt you felt and what caused it in the first place. I don't buy the "forget it ever happened." You don't have to dissect every detail, however, discussing it could help you find the source of your emotional disconnect and make you communicate on a deeper level than you did before.

On your end, you have to be willing to be a little vulnerable. You can't dwell too long in the stage of blaming and finger-pointing. At some point, you have to decide to stop obsessing about the past and let yourself move forward. That's when you can begin to trust again.

Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com; or fax 525-8055.