When little Johnny says '#&%@!'

By Patti Martin
Gannett News Service

It happens to every parent at one time or another, and when it does, there's not a hole deep enough to crawl into.

Maybe it happens with your preschooler at the grocery store. She's babbling along incoherently until she drops her doll out of the cart — then blurts out a loud expletive as fellow shoppers stop and stare.

Those darn curses, slang expressions and words that make you cringe are all part of the wonderful world of parenting. You hope they come only out of the mouths of other kids and not your own. Of course, that's just wishful thinking.

Many times, especially with younger children, the words being repeated are things they've heard someone in the house say or things they've heard on TV, on the playground or even in the store.

Other times, kids are just saying words, and they don't know what the words mean, say, family therapist Rosemarie Poverman. "Many times, parents think their children should just know what words are appropriate and what's not, but that's just not the case. Kids need to be taught, so when the words come out, think of it as a teachable moment."

But don't dwell on it.

"As a parent, you have to ask yourself: Is this a quick comment or an ongoing behavior," Poverman says. "If it's a quick comment, maybe you just need to let it pass. If it's an ongoing behavior, you need to sit down and have a talk — just not when you're upset. You have to teach your kids what the boundaries are."

As kids grow up, their language changes — and so do their words. And sometimes they test the boundaries, especially if they're trying to draw attention away from other actions.

Poverman offers this example: Your 14- or 15-year-old comes in past curfew. You're upset, and when he walks in the door you explode. He heads off to his room mumbling some expletive. As the parent, you immediately say, "We do not talk like this in this house."

At that point, the parent has given control to the child.

"Of course you don't want to hear those words coming out of your child's mouth," Poverman says. "But you have later that night, or the next morning or even the next night, to deal with the words — Stick with the curfew, that's the issue at hand."

It's also important to note, Poverman adds, that each generation comes with its own language — some that might not be fight-worthy for parents, but can drive grandparents and others up the wall.

"It's important that children know that while some things are acceptable at home, they may not be appreciated out in public or at Grandma's house," Poverman says. "You need to sit down with the kids and let them know very clearly that loud belching ... on command will not make Grandma happy. Kids need to understand that they need to have respect for others."

These types of teachable moments can occur any place, any time.

Realistically, parents aren't able to monitor all their child's conversations and there will be moments when they will have to bite their tongues. "I don't think you can expect kids not to use the jargon of the day just because parents don't like it," Poverman says. "It's what kids do. What parents can do, though, is use teachable moments and set boundaries. It does work."