KISSES AND MISSES
Tough decision when clingy friends need to be cut loose

By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer

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Some take a little more time and energy.

And so the question begs: Is a high-maintenance friend worth all the effort?

Dear Tanya: I finished college on the Mainland last year, and a friend I hadn't seen since high school contacted me that summer. Now that I'm home, we've been able to catch up on the lost years and hang out. The problem is she ALWAYS expects me to call her and do stuff with her, or she gives me flak about not keeping in touch. Not only that, but she manipulates the outings we do have to do what she and only she wants. What's worse is that I met my current beau through her, and lately she's been calling him to vent about her ex (another long story) or my lack of communication. My boyfriend and I are thoroughly fed up with hearing it from both sides. We used to go out with my friend, but we've been distancing ourselves lately. I have other friends I see less often, yet the quality of those friendships more than makes up for the frequency of interaction. I'm hoping the friendship in question will turn out the same way, but I'm not sure the friendship is worth the effort. Please advise.

This is a toughie, but I guess the question is: How good of a friend is she?

You are on the right track weighing the worth of the friendship. Therein lies your answer.

Everybody has a friend who is a little emotionally needy. Some clingy friends make up for what they drain out of you by filling some other kind of void. Maybe they are good listeners or are loyal, dependable, help-you-out-in-a-pinch kind of people.

Then there are the kind that just take advantage of you and make you miserable.

So, which is she? What are you getting out of the relationship? You met your boyfriend through her. How much is that a factor? How much of her can he put up with? (And why doesn't he, or you for that matter, tell your friend that her little phone calls venting about you and her ex are a good way to alienate everyone involved?)

Don't be a pushover. It's up to you to set some limits. Figure out how important she is to you and how much room you're willing to give her in your life. If it's only a few hours a week, so be it. If you don't want her to manipulate your outings, take control and invite her to do something you want to do.

A sense of loyalty and a little guilt often play a role in keeping these kinds of friendships together. If that's what's keeping you close, decide whether you have more going for you than history.

If you're just being nice, and she requires more attention than you're willing to give, suffering in silence is not going to make her go away. You've got to talk.

She needs to know it if her attention-starved tactics are suffocating you. But you've got to use some tact when you tell her.

This is the overdue conversation where you'll either stay friends or go your separate ways. Either way, it will keep you from being stuck where you are now.

Considering she's already the high-maintenance type, expect some drama. It could be your finale or just the first act. The flip side of the equation is: How good of a friend are you?

Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com; or fax 525-8055.