ABOUT WOMEN
Awash in an ocean of spam

By Christie Wilson
Advertiser Staff Writer

"Yo, dude."

Yo, quit sending me unsolicited e-mail.

Every morning when I log on to my e-mail account at the office, I hold my breath as it counts up the queued incoming messages.

During the height of recent virus outbreaks, anywhere from 100 to 200 messages stacked up overnight, all but a dozen of them junk.

As annoying as these messages are, the subject lines occasionally inspire me to engage in a lively one-way conversation with the anonymous senders, depending on how cranky I am. For example:

"Your colon needs cleaning."

Not really, but my tub could use a good scrubbing.

"Skeptical?"

Always. It's an occupational hazard.

"Tired of being rejected?"

No, just tired.

"Feel great tomorrow."

Why wait?

"Home delivery Xanax."

Hmm.

"Never pluck again."

OK, I'll bite ... click.

"This cordless, battery-powered hair remover erases unwanted hair instantly and painlessly. Perfect for eyebrows, upper lips, bikini lines and more ... For external use only."

Not quite sure where you'd find an internal use for it, but I'll take your word for it.

"What women desire ... "

A foot rub?

"Want your youth back!!"

Yes!!

"Weeeee!;)))))"

Bartender, I'll have what she's having.

"Dave did it, so can you."

Dave? Dave's not here.

"Use 1 click to get rid of ... "

Unwanted spam?

"Experience more powerful ... "

... tile cleaner?

"Look like a movie star."

No, thanks, I already do — Ernest Borgnine. (OK, that was a particularly bad morning.)

"Sexy fun & single?"

Sorry, batting 0-for-3 on that one.

"Will power vs. obesity"

Do I really need to tell you how that grudge match turned out?

"Need extra money?"

You're kidding, right?

"Soar above the clouds. It's easy ... "

Try wait, does this have something to do with home delivery of Xanax?

"I want more"

More what? Time? Money? Chocolate?

"Free smiley faces."

Finally, something I can use. :)

Reach Christie Wilson at cwilson@honoluluadvertiser.com or (808) 244-4880.