ABOUT MEN

By Mike Gordon
Advertiser Staff Writer

The other night, somewhere between washing the dinner dishes and walking the dog, I turned to Mrs. G. and asked her out on a date.

She laughed.

Too busy, she said.

As proof, she offered a list of her responsibilities, in no particular order.

Laundry. Grocery shopping. Work. Volunteering at the elementary school. Managing the comings and goings of the Little Darlings. Cooking your dinner.

I pursed my lips. How does a guy respond to that?

But she was right. There was a lot going on, and all of it seemed to be moving at breakneck speed.

And I was being left behind.

Keeping up with the family must surely rank as one of the greater challenges of middle-aged husbands.

For years, they struggle to realize their dreams — house, career, children — and at the same time find ways to retain the things that identified them as the youthful, carefree bachelor their mates found attractive.

This has always been the core difference between Mrs. G. and I, a years-long tug-of-war. She says I'm selfish. I respond by saying men are spontaneous.

I know I've daydreamed far too much about how, if I was just a little more organized or disciplined, I could do all these things. Other men seem to, so why not me?

It's a fantasy, impossible to achieve. The only sure thing is that you'll be busier than when you started.

Then, one morning, you wake up and feel like you're watching your life on TV. Somehow, even though you're deeply involved, it feels like you're on the outside looking in. Having everything you wanted now feels like way too much.

The kids seem distant. The wife is too busy for you. And everything is about getting to the next destination.

It scared me.

When Mrs. G. and I moved into our first home, a two-bedroom rental in Makiki, life was slow and delicious. Sleeping in, dining in.

The simplicity was savory.

She did all the cooking, and I did all the dishes. I never asked her out on a date because I didn't need to; no one else was competing for her time.

But our lives were not complete.

This led to a family, which led to all that laundry. And all those soccer games, dance classes and guitar lessons.

And yes, absolutely, a ton of warm memories.

The laughter around the dinner table. Grilled-cheese sandwiches on a Friday night and ice-cream cones on a Saturday afternoon. Sunday mornings teaching our daughters to surf.

After the dishes were washed the other night, I told myself I would ask her again, plan something, buy her flowers. Mrs. G. likes yellow roses.

But I never did anything. Days passed. Something always got in the way.

I was just too busy. And it scared me. I didn't know what to do.

Reach Mike Gordon at mgordon@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8012.