Posted on: Friday, August 13, 2004
KISSES AND MISSES
Therapist can help you cope
By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer
Dear Tanya: You've probably heard this story before, but here goes. I have been married for 20 years. I have been miserable for 18 years. I do not desire my husband and I separated from him a year and a half ago. Eight years prior to this separation, I met a man at my job who is single and I fell in love with this man. I became so emotionally attached to this guy that eventually, I began to participate in my own emotional abuse... I was a mess at home, and I was a mess outside of my home. I was honest enough when I met him to tell him that I was married and to give him a choice as to whether he wanted to pursue a "relationship." Well, he pursued. But, unbeknownst to me, he had an ongoing love affair with another girl at the job, too. I didn't find out until almost four years ago. ... I was devastated.
From that moment on, he has been bouncing back and forth between me and this girl. When things turn sour with me, he goes back to her, and vice-versa. But I was too dumb to realize it. Earlier this year, I did the "fool."
I am still separated and pondering divorce from my husband, but I don't know.
I do not have any contact with the other guy. This time, my pride just won't let me. But, I want to heal and move on and I really don't want to hate him. So, I pray. I pray all of the time for the Lord to give me a forgiving heart. I just can't stop obsessing over the turn of events in my life. Nothing has ever worked out for me. I wonder if I will ever be happy. Both men did a number on me — emotionally, physically, verbally and mentally. I just don't know how to bounce back. I like living on my own, but I get so lonesome. I can really be a mess. Do I need a therapist?
— UNHAPPY HEART
Yes.
There's no need to spend the next 18 years being miserable when you are looking for a way to make things better. A therapist could do you a world of good.
There are no simple answers for whether to divorce your husband or how to get over man No. 2.
I don't know the whys behind your pain. Go talk to someone who can help.
Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.
We moved in together. And in six weeks, he left and went right back to the girl. And, on a weak level, I still allowed him back into my life. I just couldn't get myself together. Finally, a couple of months ago, we fell out again, and even though I thought it was silly, I offered him an apology. He wouldn't accept and he went his way, going strong with the other girl now.
•
All in a name
A son is getting married and wants to take his bride's name as his own. Should his mother feel hurt? Vote in this week's in our online poll.
