PARENT POWER
Grounding isn't only about denying a kid privileges
By John Rosemond
Q. Life with my 16-year-old stepson, who lives with my husband and me because his mother is a mess, has been a battle from day one. School always has been a struggle for him, and he's had a problem with lying since he was a youngster. The really bad problems began a year ago when he started hanging out with some troublemakers.
He began to dress like a gang member and began writing rap song lyrics involving sex, foul language and violence. He has flunked almost every class for the past year. Last spring he was caught at school with a switchblade knife. He was arrested and spent seven days in juvenile hall. He's now on probation for two years. We have grounded him for the duration and will not allow him to get a driver's license. He says that we can ground him as much as we want, but we cannot make him care about school or stop dressing like he is a gang member.
My husband says grounding is not accomplishing anything and wants to let up on it. I disagree and think his leniency, the result of guilt, has made matters worse. Help!
A. If by "grounding is not accomplishing anything" your husband means it's not causing any bright lights to come on in your stepson's head, I have to agree. Nevertheless, and for that very reason, I'd keep him grounded.
First, that's the way the world works. If you aren't responsible, if you behave in an anti-social fashion, privilege is denied you. Call it "reality therapy," knowing, however, that it may not have any therapeutic effect at all.
From your description, I'd say your stepson is on the road to huge problems as a young adult and that you may have passed the point where your influence matters, which brings me to the second reason why I'd keep him grounded: It will prevent him from getting into further trouble, for the time being at least.
The next time he tells you that grounding him isn't working, say, "Oh, we're not hoping that being grounded will make you a better person. We're doing it to prevent you, while you live here with us, from getting worse. So, you're grounded. When you're 18 and off probation, you're free to move out and call your own shots. Until then, we have a responsibility to this community to see to it that your ability to cause trouble and create problems for others is minimized."
In other words, grounding this child is not so much for his good as it is for the good of others. Consider it a form of quarantine that will prevent the spread of the behavioral "virus" that is infecting your stepson. Little does he realize that if he does not do some serious soul-searching during the next couple of years, he probably is headed for a far longer and bleaker quarantine.
Your husband is well-intentioned, I'm sure, but perhaps a textbook example of the guilty divorced dad who unwittingly becomes an enabler where his children are concerned. Sad but true, too many divorced dads are not stand-up guys where their boys are concerned. Their guilt — largely induced by a culture that believes divorce damages children (the truth is that it's not so much the divorce, but the aftermath, including the guilty dad, that's damaging) — paralyzes their ability to square their shoulders when their boys test the limits.
They cradle, coddle and cave in when they should be paragons of the virtues of fatherhood.
Stay the course, keep fighting the good fight, not because it will save this child, but because you'll feel better about yourself.
John Rosemond's column is now published Tuesdays in Island Life. Rosemond is a family psychologist. Send questions to: Affirmative Parenting, 1020 East 86th St., Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240; or www.rosemond.com.
