Posted on: Tuesday, August 24, 2004

PARENT POWER
Fussing over hair-pulling only encourages her

By John Rosemond

Some time ago, the parents of a 4-year-old girl asked for my thoughts on why their daughter was pulling out her own hair and what they should do about it. The hair-pulling had suddenly and mysteriously started six months before and was producing huge bald spots on the little girl's otherwise pretty head.

The parents sought the advice of a psychologist, who told them the child was stressed out over the impending birth of a sibling. Meanwhile, the hair-pulling got progressively worse. After four months the parents stopped the "therapy," after which there was serious question as to who was pulling out more hair, the child or her parents.

Quite obviously, by yanking bald spots in her head, this little girl was able to secure the center of attention in the family. Someone might ask why a child would be willing to endure such discomfort, even pain, just to get something she was getting enough of already.

The answer is, because children are irrational. And by the way, a child never gets enough attention. And by the way again, I do not think the girl was being "manipulative." She wasn't thinking this through; she was simply doing what comes naturally to children: to wit, whatever it takes to be at the center of a cyclone.

I immediately thought about otherwise normal children whose tantrums take the form of banging their heads against the floor or other hard objects while screaming at the top of their lungs.

My stock advice: Draw a circle on an out-of-the-way wall and tell the child, "This is your new head-banging place. If you want to bang your head, stand here and bang in this circle. It's the best head-banging spot in the whole house!"

I've never, in the 25 years I've been proffering this, heard of it failing.

I told the parents that there was no way of making a definitive connection between the hair-pulling and the new sibling — this was pure speculation.

Furthermore, it was speculation of the sort that, even if true, was fairly worthless. What were the parents to do? Postpone the second child's arrival?

Psychological explanations of misbehavior — and make no mistake about it, this child's hair-pulling was most definitely a misbehavior — often have the unintended effect of paralyzing parents' ability to act

authoritatively, and when a child senses a vacuum of authority, the child's problems, whatever their source, will surely worsen.

With the "head-banging place" in mind, I advised the parents to tell their daughter that she could only pull her hair in the downstairs bathroom; that it was her new "hair-pulling place." If she pulled her hair elsewhere, they would put her in the bathroom and require her to stay for at least 10 minutes, with instruction to pull to her heart's content. Meanwhile, the parents had to stop mentioning hair in any context, a prohibition that even extended to praising her for not pulling.

The next day, the mom sent me this e-mail: "When she began pulling her hair during lunch today, I calmly led her to the bathroom. I told her that this was the new hair-pulling place, the only place where she could pull her hair, and to go right ahead pull as much as she wanted. 'Will you watch?' she asked. I told her no, shut the door, and returned to the table. Fifteen minutes later she came out and finished her lunch. Her dad is reading to her as I type this, and we have not made one mention of hair all evening. I can't say that she is 'cured,' but after being in the bathroom just that once and my not flipping out about it seems to be helping already. This has been the calmest evening we've had in half a year."

Over the next couple of weeks, the little girl pulled her hair only around people whom she thought would give her attention for it, like her grandparents. On each occasion, her parents simply put her in the bathroom and encouraged her to pull, pull and pull some more. On none of these occasions did she stay in the bathroom for more than a few minutes and always emerged with no sign of having pulled at all! They also noticed that she did not seem to pull unconsciously, like when she was watching television, but only when there was the possibility of a payoff — so much for "she can't help it."

Psychiatrist John Rosemond's columns now appear in Tuesday's Island Life. Send questions to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 East 86th Street, Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240 or at www.rosemond.com.