Fangs a lot, Hollywood, for gratuitous 'Anaconda' sequel

By Tom Long
The Detroit News

ANACONDAS: THE HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID (PG-13) One and One-Half Stars (Poor-to-Fair) Big snakes eat people in this sequel to a movie about big snakes eating people. If you like to watch big snakes eating people a) you have a problem and b) you may like this predictable, cheesy film. Johnny Messner, KaDee Strickland, Morris Chestnut star for director Dwight Little. Screen Gems, 93 minutes.

This is, of course, the essence of "Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid," as well it should be, since it was also the essence of the original "Anaconda." Fans of the first film — there must be some — will find most of the same elements in the second: Jungle. Water. Boat. Snakes. Scream. Munch.

What they won't find is the same great guilty pleasure of watching quasi or budding stars in a cheesy film. The original "Anaconda" starred Jennifer Lopez, Owen Wilson, Ice Cube, Eric Stoltz and Jon Voight. "Blood Orchid" stars — who? The only vaguely recognizable name is Morris Chestnut, and let's face it, most people reading this are wondering who Morris Chestnut is.

So instead, the snake takes front and center. Actually, make that snakes, because in the time-honored tradition of more is better, "Blood Orchid" offers bundles of giant writhing, slithering snakes. The sheer volume limits their character development, but then we are talking snakes here, so character isn't a big deal.

The blood orchid, on the other hand, is a big deal. It apparently only blossoms once every seven years in the deep jungle of Borneo and holds the secret to eternal youth. So, of course, a group of greedy scientists set off to harvest some so they can become billionaires.

Hitting Borneo during the rainy season, they have to hire a seedy riverboat captain (Johnny Messner) to pilot them. The scientists themselves are your basic snake fodder variety pack: ambitious and good-looking (Chestnut), sexy uptight and good-looking (Salli Richardson), a not so-good-looking equipment guy for comic relief (Eugene Byrd) and a medical officer (Nicholas Gonzalez). Leading the gang are a blond heroine type (KaDee Strickland) and an unscrupulous type (Matthew Marsden).

Down the river they go. Here come the snakes — on their way to an orgy, apparently, and ready to load up on protein. And so it begins: Gulp-gulp, gulp-gulp.

If gulp-gulp is your idea of a movie, by all means see "Anacondas." Far worse films have been made. The lighting is adequate, the snakes come and go so quickly it doesn't matter that they look totally fake, and there's a little monkey along for the ride who conveniently screeches loudly whenever anything awful is going to happen.

It's doubtful there's another Lopez or Wilson in the cast, but Strickland has a nice Southern accent. And most of the other cast members make perfectly serviceable pet food.

"Anacondas" is precisely what you think it is: a workmanlike sequel to a thrill-kill flick that doesn't even pretend to be good. So, it's up to you. Gulp-gulp?

Rated PG-13 for violence, scary images and language.