The why and how of her son's death didn't matter much to his mother yesterday. Only that he was gone.

"I fluctuate like a roller coaster with my feelings," Gina Ellis-Williams said in her 'Ewa back yard. In her arms, she cradled a high school graduation picture of her son.

She gets up crying four to five times a night.

"Not asking why. I know why," she said through tears. "I don't need a reason or explanation. He's not here. I know he's dead, but I feel sad, hurt and empty because he's not with us now. I wasn't able to hold my son in my arms and tell him how much I love him, and how proud I am of him for fighting for our country."

Magaoay's father, Tony, also was taking the loss hard. Blake was his only son, said Micha Brunn, a friend of Ellis-Williams.

Clifford Faria, a WWII vet, said he'll fly this flag at half-staff in honor of his neighbor's fallen son until the Marine's body is brought home. Richard Ambo • The Honolulu Advertiser

But what he saw with that fighting, including Iraqis being killed, children getting in the way, and friends dying in front of him, conflicted with his caring side, his mother said.

"He called me and at one time he said that he just wanted to give up, and then, a few days later, he said, 'I'm fine, I'm ready to fight for our country,' " Ellis-Williams said.

Lt. Gen. John F. Sattler, the top Marine commander in Iraq, told the Los Angeles Times that 71 U.S. troops died in the November battle to retake Fallujah and 623 were wounded. Thirteen Kane'ohe Bay Marines and a sailor have been killed there.

Magaoay served in Iraq in 2003. On that deployment, he was wounded twice, receiving a leg injury in a bomb attack, and then an injury above his eye.

"And then his friend called and said, 'I'm passing a message for Blake — he says, "Mom, I'm kicking ass out here and you should be proud of me." That was the last I heard," his mother said.

She said she is managing with help from friends and family.

"My niece Lauralei (Hall), and my cousin, Shaina (Caporoz), have helped, and everyone's been so kind to cook and provide food," she said.

A rifleman, Magaoay joined the Marine Corps on Aug. 28, 2002, officials said.

He had wanted to go into the military since he was 10, and decided on the Corps after talking to representatives of all the services, Ellis-Williams said.

The handsome Marine, who loved to surf on the North Shore, put friends before himself. He was popular with girls, but did not have a longtime girlfriend, preferring to stay unattached while going through deployments, relatives said.

"Everyone will tell you, that boy, he's a giving boy, that's what was amazing," Brunn said. "His personality was to give, that's all that boy knew."

Lara Sugimoto, a counselor at Pearl City High School, said Magaoay would visit the campus whenever he was here on leave from the Marine Corps.

"We saw him the last time he was home, before he deployed to Iraq," Sugimoto said. "He was really good about keeping up his ties with us."

Marine officials were expected to meet with the family yesterday to provide more details of Magaoay's death. A service is expected to be held next Thursday. Borthwick Mortuary is handling the arrangements, the family said.

He is the 46rd service member with Hawai'i ties to die in Iraq, Afghanistan or Kuwait since March 2003. Eight were born in Hawai'i or lived here a long time.