Posted on: Sunday, December 5, 2004

By Lee Cataluna
Advertiser Columnist

Anne Sage is an expert on grief, but she says she feels "crazed" after losing her 86-year-old father last week.

Sage has worked in funeral services for years and started one of the longest-running grief support groups on the island.

"I know professionally, certain responses are normal. However, that's from the top of my eyebrows to the top of my head. My gut and my heart are another story. The experts on grief are the ones who have gone through it and survived."

This year, Borthwick Mortuary, where Sage is funeral director, is holding an open memorial service, where anyone can come to remember a loved one they've lost.

"For a person who has lost someone, the holidays can be a lousy time," Sage says. "But nowhere is it written you only get one memorial service. I think what often happens at the time of the death is that suddenly you have to make all these decisions. It's like planning a wedding without any of the joy. Frequently, the immediate survivors are in a state of shock. They feel like it's not real. You might not even remember the service. But you live with the loss every day. And for a lot of people, it's important to have some sort of ritual touchstone to connect with what made the person's life special and valuable to us."

The remembrance service, to be held from 6 to 8 p.m. Tuesday, Dec. 14, will feature music from the Kaumakapili Church Choir. The Rev. David Kaupu will lead the nondenominational services, and people will be invited to light a candle in honor of the person they're missing. Light refreshments will be served, and the service is free and open to everyone.

"Sometimes, after we help someone with a funeral, we find one of the family members keeps coming back to the mortuary. They want to talk. They want to tell their story, and they want to do that in a way that they feel is socially acceptable, I guess."

Being able to externalize grief, even in small, symbolic acknowledgments of the loss, is healthy and important, Sage says. In her own case, even though her father, Dr. William Sage, lived a long and full life and even though his passing was peaceful, she still has moments when she needs to let it all out.

"It's like when a pot is boiling, you either take the lid off, turn the heat down or put it on the back burner. But when we've lost someone, we rarely give ourselves permission to do any of that. What most people do is the equivalent of turning up the heat and slamming the lid down harder. What happens to people who do that is they blow."

Jerome Andrade, assistant location manager of Borthwick, is hoping to make this an annual event. Some people are more comfortable expressing their grief at the mortuary in a quiet memorial service than at home, where they're "supposed" to be strong.

"You heal, but that business about getting over it? Nobody ever gets over it," Sage says. "You learn to live with it. You learn to live with the fact of it happening. You learn to cope with the sadness. You learn to let joy back in to your life. People say, 'You should feel this or that.' There's no 'should' with feelings. They just exist."

Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com.