Posted on: Sunday, December 5, 2004

AFTER DEADLINE

By Elizabeth Kieszkowski
Advertiser Features Editor

Today's stories on "The Graying of Hawai'i," starting on Page A1 and in the Island Life section, with more at honoluluadvertiser.com, are bound to be eye-opening for those who aren't — yet — grappling with the effects of aging on their families or themselves.

For those who are advancing in years, or living with an aging relative, the stories will be all too familiar.

One family struggles to cope with the fractures caused by progressive dementia in an 85-year-old auntie. Her sister, still active at 90, asked Auntie Bea to move into a rooming house. Her niece found a case manager to help protect Bea's finances but dreads talking to Bea about giving up control over her legal affairs. And Bea herself refuses to worry, saying, "Haven't you heard? Everybody's going to die."

Another grown daughter takes on a difficult daily routine, waking early each morning to care for her 77-year-old father, who is weakened from emphysema and its complications. Bernadette Ishikawa now worries about her own future, saying, "I have no plans for myself."

To serve readers who are searching for help in coping with aging, reporters compiled an extensive list of resources for seniors and caregivers, designed to be saved as a reference. It's inside today's Island Life section.

Our project revolves around the stories told us by readers and their families. They responded to a query in this newspaper about the difficulties of aging, or the experience of caring for an aging family member. Some told us they wanted to tell their stories so that others in Hawai'i would think of and plan for the future.

Yvonne Whitehead poignantly described the isolation of aging — the frustrating search for information and the difficulty in getting around. Ken Lee, a baby boomer, described the toll on him as a caregiver to his mother.

Beyond the problems, however, are resilient people who seek to make their own lives, or the lives of their loved ones, as comfortable as possible.

Leota and Eugene Louderback, for example, who realized that they could live more happily if they moved out of their longtime home and into a senior residence. Now they have more access to services and enjoy interacting with those around them.

Mildred Arakaki meets friends at the Salvation Army's Adult Day Health Services each day, and often tucks a hand-picked flower behind her ear, given her by friend Sumie Umeda, 81.

Ken Lee, known to many as the disaster mental health coordinator for the American Red Cross, cares for his mother at home. He says, "I've got to find a way to always see her as a treasure."

Familial love and a sense of "giving back" for the efforts parents made when children were small are great motivators.

Ishikawa's story, for example, describes her difficult life. But she still finds time to laugh — as she does when complimented on her pretty, gentle voice. Calling her home to discuss a photo shoot, we first spoke to a neighbor. Ishikawa's friends who live nearby stop by to help out when she needs to go to the store.

Just that day, Ishikawa had struggled to take her wheelchair-bound father to a doctor's appointment, only to learn that Gilbert Carlos would have to live with the pain caused by a condition related to his constant coughing; treatment was too risky.

Ishikawa said she wanted to share her story, so that others — particularly those who could still make wise choices about maintaining their health and sorting out their finances — could learn from it. In fact, she opened her home and life widely to The Advertiser and its readers, allowing still photographers, a reporter and even a videographer to observe her life with Carlos.

Ishikawa must be a hero to her father for the love and care she gives him each day. Sharing her story with Hawai'i's readers is also a fine, generous gesture, helping to make this package both useful and memorable.

Elizabeth Kieszkowski is features editor at The Honolulu Advertiser.