Posted on: Monday, December 6, 2004

Hugs OK — but handshakes are safer

By Andrea Kay

To hug or not to hug? It can be a difficult question when it comes to greeting colleagues or clients in or out of work and at holiday parties. And now comes the kiss on the cheek. What's a professional to do?

According to my unscientific survey of men and women in the workplace, no one is thrilled about giving or receiving kisses. Hugs can be all right, sometimes.

Women say a hug is acceptable when it is:

• Between female co-workers and there's something to celebrate like a baby or an engagement.

• From someone you know well and is an expression of sympathy or good luck.

• With a co-worker with whom you've worked closely and haven't seen in a while.

If there's a hug between male and female or there's a boss or client involved, be quick, a female hospital administrator told me.

"It can be mistaken by others, and there are some guys who want to see what it is like to get close to some women," she said. "I did have a few males hug me when my mother died. That was nice, but a card or pat on the shoulder is fine."

If you do hug, don't make it too tight, she said. And at business functions with alcohol, "absolutely no hugging."

Men say hugs are OK when:

• It's a co-worker but not a client — unless you've worked together a long time.

• You're celebrating, showing empathy or acknowledging someone's achievement.

• You see a former close associate you haven't seen in a long time or someone is leaving, has incurred a loss or needs consoling.

"I don't mind being hugged as long as it's sincere," said a marketing executive.

An art director said, "I don't hug clients or bosses because that doesn't seem professional. I don't think male clients would look at it as a sign of strength from a business standpoint."

Men said they always shake hands. "It's a manners things as much as business," said the art director.

Women feel shaking hands is good manners. But it can be a problem if "they have a reputation as a nonihand-washing nose picker," said one female project manager.

It's also awkward when men shake each other's hands and not the women's. "I feel singled out and different," said the project manager.

Kissing is another matter. Neither men nor women said they want to kiss or be kissed in the workplace or in social situations.

"I hated to have to cheek kiss and hug at my husband's office Christmas party. Ick!" said a healthcare manager.

"I'm not a huge fan," said another female executive. "My boss laid a kiss on my cheek as we were departing from the airport for doing a good job. It was totally weird. I'd prefer to skip the whole kiss thing altogether."

A female paralegal had this to say about touching in any form at work or in social situations: "I hate being touched in business. Just leave me alone."

Everyone's comfort level is different. Whether at work or a holiday party, you can always take the lead from the other person. But you can't go wrong if you stick to the good old-fashioned handshake.

Career consultant Andrea Kay is the author of several job advice books. E-mail her at andrea@andreakay.com.