Posted on: Tuesday, December 7, 2004

PARENT POWER
Get family in balance to make kids behave

By John Rosemond

Q. My husband and I have a 4-year-old boy and an 8-year-old girl. They both whine and cry when they do not get their way and do not seem to think "no" means "no." In addition, there is lots of sibling rivalry and hassles when it comes to doing what they are told.

Because of the demands of our jobs, my husband and I end up doing a lot of tag-team parenting, especially when it comes to getting the kids to their after-school programs, getting them fed and seeing to it that they do their homework.

I feel like all we do is scream and yell. I realize this is a tall order, but can you give us some useful suggestions?

A. You are describing what I call the "frantic family syndrome," the result of emotional resources that are stretched to the max by an overload of outside commitments.

It's fairly clear that you and your husband spend most of your time dashing from one obligation to another, somewhat like the plate spinners on the old Ed Sullivan Show would dash from one spinning plate to another.

As a consequence, you are a family in name only. I'll wager that you rarely sit down to a peaceful, unhurried dinner together, that the last time you went on a family picnic or took a leisurely stroll through a zoo was too long ago to clearly remember, and that by the time the kids get to bed, you' re too exhausted to be husband and wife.

An adult or adults and children who are bound by biological or legal ties can claim the title of family, but to actually be a family in the true (what philosophers call phenomenological) sense of the term requires a commitment to spending a good amount of time in the pursuit of nothing more than being together, enjoying one another's company as well as what you're doing. Sitting in the same room, staring at a TV set, doesn't count.

And yes, I do indeed have some useful suggestions.

First, I have to believe that if one of you quit his or her job, the overall level of stress in your family would come down considerably. (Studies have shown that most second incomes do nothing but increase family expenditures and push the family into a higher tax bracket, all the while creating the illusion that the family is enjoying a higher standard of living than is actually the case. The end result: a significant increase in the family's debt load, which makes "necessary" a second income that was not necessary to begin with.)

If you don't see how you can do that, given the debt you've already accumulated, then I recommend seeing a financial counselor. In the final analysis, you may have to make a choice between ever-diminishing financial stress and ever-increasing family chaos. I don't see this going anywhere but down if you try to maintain the status quo.

Second, I recommend taking the kids out of most of their after-school activities, or at the very least not replacing one when it expires. In the future, limit after-school activities to one per child per season (excepting summer, which should be reserved solely for family activities), with the caveat that no activity can interfere with your ability to sit down together every evening to a relaxed family supper.

I have to believe that the discipline problems you're having with your children will begin to "fix" themselves as your family gains a sense of equilibrium. In any case, you aren't going to be able to effectively discipline the kids until you have restored balance and discipline to the family unit.

John Rosemond is a family psychologist. Reach him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 East 86th St., Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240 or www.rosemond.com.