Posted on: Friday, December 10, 2004
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KISSES AND MISSES
Even lying cheats have a good side
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By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Relationships Writer
Dear Tanya: After five years of being in a relationship, I thought I knew my boyfriend. I was comfortable and secure in the knowledge he loved me and no other. Recently though, I found out I've been deceived.
My boyfriend made excuses about a woman who kept calling the house.
Then I found a receipt for a dozen red long-stemmed roses he said he bought for a customer's daughter because he felt sorry for her.
I also found a receipt for another dozen yellow roses he sent a female co-worker on Valentine's Day.
Then I found an unopened flavored condom in a box he claimed he bought for us but forgot to give me. We have a wonderful sex life, in my opinion, so I was confused.
I also found a Hustler magazine hidden in his filing cabinet and noticed an Internet dating site bookmarked on his computer. The big deal to me is the fact he keeps all of this hidden from me. He carried on secret friendships with other women. He said he was perfectly happy with everything in our relationship, but why all the secrets?
I'm so scared I am making the wrong decision to try to work things out by seeking couples' counseling. To this day, he tells me he still doesn't know why he did any of those things. Am I a fool to want to make this work?
— Hurt by Secrets
My first instinct is to tell you to dump any man who makes you feel like a fool.
How much should you reveal to your lover about your past? Is there such a thing as asking too much? What happens when a couple disagrees? Choose your answer in our weekly poll. (Why? Because I know it's easy to chastise people without knowing all the facts.)
On the surface, your boyfriend appears at worst, a cheating liar — or at best, a man as flawed as anyone else who wants to work it out.
He has agreed to couples' counseling? That's good. At least that should get to the issue of whether you can repair the trust. (If you can't, you might as well move on.)
But if he can account for his actions and articulate an apology that goes deeper than "I'm sorry," maybe you can begin to forgive him.
Just don't be blind. You can't act as if nothing has happened. You need to talk about your hurt and how you want your relationship to be. If you are the only one wanting to repair the damage, that's not enough. But if getting over this draws you closer, and the joy outweighs the pain, then no fool would want to give up on it.
Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.
But, for a change, I'm going to try to answer this by giving your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt.
SAID AND DONE?
