By Ferd Lewis
Advertiser Columnist

'Tis the season for giving and when it comes to that finicky sports fan on your list why not bypass the malls and all that traffic.

Go straight for the gifts that are sure to please. Something, perhaps, like:

The Karl Malone Guide to Pick-Up Lines. The Mailman delivers with some of the ones that have made him the talk of the NBA — and beyond.

The New Adventures of Mighty Mouse Video. Forget the rodent with the long tail, thrill at the stop-and-go exploits of Chad Owens, Hawai'i's receiver and punt returner extraordinaire. Watch him run through Michigan State like, well, Swiss cheese.

The Nicollette Sheridan Official NFL Towel Collection. Don't go near a pro locker room without one of these dandies. As seen on Monday Night Football.

Ricky Williams' Cookbook. Fans of the former Miami Dolphins running back and world traveler will especially enjoy his section on homemade brownies.

BALCO Chemistry Set for Kids. Guaranteed to make your child the biggest, strongest athlete on the block. Hit home runs amazing distances. Endorsed by many pro athletes.

New Orleans Hornets Punching Bag. Let someone you know make like the real NBA teams do and take out their stress and frustrations by pummeling everybody's favorite team. Guaranteed not to hit back.

The John L. Smith Whiners Guide to Hawai'i. The Michigan State football coach whines you through a tour of the 50th State from before takeoff to well after touchdown. Will make paradise sound like a plot. You won't see this one on the Travel Channel. Available in the MSU bookstore. Comes with a box of tissue.

Barry Bonds Lie Detector Set. Watch his nose grow when you ask him about steroids. See the machine light up when he discusses flaxseed oil.

Montreal Expos Luggage Set. If someone you know is going to be doing a lot of traveling, this is the set to give. Take it anywhere: Montreal, Puerto Rico, Washington D.C. ...

June Jones' Fourth-Down Football Game. The game where you call the shots, rolling the dice on every play. No move is too bizarre. Be a genius on one play, a dunce on another.

Official NCAA Selection Committee Kit. No experience needed or conscience required. Comes with Ouija board and coin to flip for the really big decisions.

NHL 2004-'05 Highlight Video. Thrill to the occasional bargaining sessions. Wander the closed, dark arenas. Approved for all ages because there is no action, violent or otherwise.

UH Athletic Dept. Magic Kit. The football coaches think they have earned bowl bonuses but when they look for their checks — poof! — they have vanished.

Reach Ferd Lewis at flewis@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8044.