Posted on: Monday, December 20, 2004

ABOUT MEN

By Peter Boylan
Advertiser Staff Writer

I am amused by the way people scramble to buy gifts for one another. And by "people," I mean women. Yes, I know, another sign that I cannot figure out females.

At Christmas, women suspend rational thought and descend into an orgy of spending and giving. They develop these elaborate, sometimes clandestine, plans to give gifts to their friends.

Losing a little sleep over what to get mom, dad and the grandparents is fine, but finding just the right MAC lipstick to give Sally because she's particular about colors that clash with her eyes? Come on! And to make matters worse, Sally has no idea that her friend is buying her the MAC lipstick, because her friend pulled Sally's name from a hat at a "Secret Santa" meeting.

The purpose of these Secret Santa setups is to save everyone in a large group of friends a lot of money by having each person randomly select one name from a hat. You buy a gift for the person whose name you pull. Everybody gets a present, nobody overdraws the checking account.

Innovative? Yes. A good idea? Yes. Totally unnecessary if you are a member of the male nation? ABSOLUTELY.

No dude in his right mind calls his buddies up and proposes a Secret Santa party.

In 25 years of life, I have witnessed only one instance when a man has recommended a Secret Santa party to "sort out the gift-giving."

A friend proposed his plan to a group of about 10 guys, none of whom had ever bought a Christmas gift for anyone but his mother. Our not-so-secret response? We sealed the door to his apartment shut with wrapping paper, green tinsel garland and a wall-sized gift card with "From Your Secret Santa" scrawled in red ink.

None of us got a gift.

Aside from that extreme example, I don't know any dudes who give Christmas gifts to any of their friends, save for females. It just isn't done, for good, time-tested reasons.

For starters, buying Christmas gifts requires thought, time and energy.

Most young men use up their daily allotment of coherent, analytical thought at work, so anything after 6 p.m. that requires more than a microwave and a bottle opener, forget it.

Time and energy, two crucial components of holiday shopping, are used for more important activities. December is a great sports month. The 'Bows and the Hawkeyes are in bowl games, Julian Sensley and the hoops squad are heating up, the NFL playoff race is in its final weeks, and Shaq and Kobe square off Christmas morning.

After hours spent watching sports, there is no time to find parking at Ala Moana Center, and no energy to battle crowds and stand in lines in stores.

My buddies know that in the spirit of the season I'll buy a round of drinks. But we don't need to give trinkets to one another to affirm our friendship.

We know that a Guinness and a handshake do just fine.

Reach Peter Boylan at 525-8110 or pboylan@honoluluadvertiser.com.