Posted on: Tuesday, December 21, 2004

PARENT POWER
Single moms enrich child by being independent

By John Rosemond

"So what about single parents, John?" asks a single mom responding to last week's column in which I proposed (I will dare to say proved) that it is in a child's best interest for his parents' relationship with one another to be stronger than their relationships with him. "How does all that apply to a single mom like me?"

I anticipated the question — and, in fact, am qualified to answer it (as you will see) — and had already prepared the response that follows.

As regular readers know, my mother was a single parent for most of the first seven years of my life. During that time, she was a very interesting person in my eyes — one of the most interesting people I've ever known. She worked outside the home. She went to college (at that time, the College of Charleston) and eventually obtained a Ph.D. in plant morphology.

She had a seemingly endless variety of friends. As she did her homework, she often took the time to explain to me things like the differences between animals with and animals without backbones. Sometimes she took me with her to the library, where I sat in awe of how quiet and still grown-ups could be.

Sometimes (rarely, actually, and probably only when it was either that or stay at home herself), I'd go with her and her friends to the beach or the movies.

Because she was interesting, I paid attention to her. I was fascinated by her, in fact. She did not orbit around me; rather, I orbited around her, and she made sure that my orbit was ever-expanding. Through her independence, she encouraged mine. More than once she told me it was her job to make sure I could stand on my own two feet, which required that she not let me stand on hers.

I do not remember her ever getting down on the floor and playing with me, but she read to me at least once a day from children's classics like "Wind in the Willows." She was affectionate, loving, and I always knew I could rely on her, but it was perfectly clear that she had a rich life beyond being John Rosemond's mother.

And by the way, my mother never, ever gave me the impression that having no father in my life (I saw my father on only three occasions before I was 11, and only for several hours at a time) was an excuse for misbehavior, not doing my best in school, poor manners, self-pity, "anger," etc. I was responsible, fully accountable. When I misbehaved and tried to explain it away, my mother would look at me sternly and say, "There are no excuses." By virtue of not being allowed to wrap myself in soap opera, I was given permission to have — and did have — a truly happy (although far from idyllic) childhood.

Unfortunately, our culture no longer gives single mothers permission to be that kind of mom. Today's single mom is expected to feel guilty, not independent. She is expected to compensate for the supposed psychological trauma her divorce has imposed upon her children by orbiting around them, making them her life, which insures that she will not have one of her own.

She thinks she can only validate that she is a good mom by doing things for her children; therefore, she rarely does anything for herself. She does not feel she has permission to discipline because, after all, (she thinks) her kids only misbehave because they are "angry" about the divorce at the same time they (supposedly) feel responsible for it.

As a consequence of the box into which our culture squeezes the single mom (its walls are constructed of psychobabble), single-momhood in America is not what it was for my mother. Instead of a state of relatively enjoyable independence, it is confining, exhausting and guilt-ridden for all too many single moms.

A single mom recently told me that because she had always wanted to learn to paint, she was thinking of enrolling her 4-year-old daughter in art lessons. I suggested that she forgo doing something else for her daughter and enroll herself in art lessons, and then perhaps turn around and teach her daughter to paint. She looked at me quizzically for a few moments, then smiled and said, "I get it."

I hope she's enjoying her art lessons.

John Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 East 86th St., Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240 and at www.rosemond.com. Distributed by the Knight Ridder News Service.