Posted on: Friday, December 24, 2004
KISSES & MISSES
Friendship with ex in jeopardy
By Tanya Bricking Leach
Dear Tanya: When I was 21, I started dating my best friend, whom I had known since 1979. We married and had a child together, but our marriage didn't work out. We divorced in 2001. We never stopped being friends, and I thought our friendship would be lifelong.
But now, he tells me his girlfriend doesn't want us to talk at all, not even about our son. She wants us out of their lives.
I was shocked that after being very close friends for 25 years he can't even talk to me now. To me it seems selfish.
I understand that people move on, but instead of having an awful divorce, we managed to keep a good communication going until now. It was our friendship that helped us make it possible.
He has had girlfriends since our divorce, but now that he's found this one, it doesn't matter to him if I take my son and move to the Mainland. Before now, he never wanted me to leave the island.
A lot of the things I've heard him say in the past three weeks I never knew he would ever say to anyone, especially me. We never used to argue. Now we fight like crazy, and he's more argumentative than he ever used to be. I don't know what to do.
— LOSING A FRIEND
In the case of ex-communication, do what's best for your son.
This isn't about you losing a friend. This is about keeping a father in your son's life.
You must be angry, but whether you find an outlet through counseling or writing out your thoughts in a journal, find a way to deal with it that doesn't involve yelling at your ex or badmouthing him and his new girlfriend.
Here's a question for ya. If you are divorced, should you help your children pick out gifts for your ex's new spouse? If you're the new spouse, should you give a gift to your partner's ex? Vote in our poll here. But the loss of his friendship should not mean your son must lose his father.
You can't control your ex's behavior, even if he decides to be a flaky parent.
You can control how you respond to his behavior by staying positive, seeking mediation and working out a parenting plan that includes your ex.
It might feel good to flee to the Mainland with your son, just to spite your ex and make him miss you. If family or job opportunities take you there, you may have legitimate reasons to go.
First, think about what's best for your son. That should drive your decisions.
Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.
You have to accept that he's not your best friend anymore. You're divorced. You don't have to be best friends.
Merry 'ex'mas
