By Ferd Lewis
Advertiser Columnist

So many unhappy returns

'Tis the day after Christmas and you know what that means — the return counters at all the stores will be jam-packed by people with items to exchange.

Well, it is the same in sports.

So, as you wait in line at the mall this morning to return something that was too big, too small, too garish or something you didn't want at all, look around and, who knows, you just might see:

• Logan Lee, ex-UH point guard. Now that the Rainbow Warriors are off to an 8-0 start, maybe he'd like to take back that decision to leave with two years of eligibility remaining.

• Alabama at Birmingham football team. They'll be returning those snazzy black uniforms for the $10,000 credit. They looked good on TV, but only one team wins in black at Aloha Stadium.

• UH assistant football coaches. They'd like to return those employment contracts that assured them of a bowl bonus. They're still waiting for last year's checks.

• Ron Artest. He's got a rap album nobody wants and would like to exchange it for some playing time — and a paycheck.

• Randy Johnson. He's got a New York Yankees cap he doesn't need.

• UH football fans. They might want to take back some of the earlier boos for Tim Chang.

• USC administration. They'd like to take back that offer to Rick Majerus to coach its men's basketball team. It's been nothing but a 350-pound headache.

• Chris Smeland, Michigan State defensive coordinator. He'd swap that trip to Hawai'i for some place, any place, where there is no Chad Owens.

• NCAA Volleyball Selection Committee. When the financial returns come in on that Fort Collins, Colo. first-second round pairing, it might like to exchange it for one at the Stan Sheriff Center.

• June Jones. He's got all-expense paid trips to Boise and Fresno to exchange for somewhere more hospitable.

• Barry Bonds. He has a container of, uh, flaxseed oil, yeah, that's it, to return.

• Boston Red Sox. They've got a curse they won't be needing.

• Auburn football fans. They want a return on the Bowl Championship Series promise to provide a clear-cut national championship showdown game.

• The NBA. It would like to take back to college — or high school — some of the punks who are ruining its game.

• Joe Gibbs. He has a coaching job he didn't really need.

• Sheraton Hawai'i Bowl. It might like to exchange that Conference USA tie for one with the Pac-10.

• Texas Rangers reliever Frank Francisco. He's got a folding chair he'd love to return.

• Northwestern football team. It has an out-of-bounds late hit on Tim Chang it would like to take back.

• Mike Price. He has a night in Florida he'd gladly give back.

• San Francisco 49ers. They would love to exchange some players for salary cap room. What is the maximum limit on returns, anyway?

Reach Ferd Lewis at flewis@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8044.