Posted on: Monday, December 27, 2004

ABOUT MEN

By Mike Gordon
Advertiser Staff Writer

These days, it's easy to experience guy envy.

Flip through the upper reaches of cable TV and you'll see what I mean.

Everywhere you look, some ordinary guy is about to have a combative squad of trained professionals turn his rusted car into a hot rod, rebuild his house or treat him to an expensive makeover.

These hapless-looking but lucky fellows act as if they just won some mega-millions lotto jackpot. Their humdrum lives have just received an excitement jump start.

Hey, sign me up for some of that!

There's something addictive about this evolving TV genre, something I gotta have even though I don't really know what I want.

I confess to wasting too much time watching these shows and wasting even more time pondering what kind of person dreams up this stuff.

I'm one of those people who believes there are no accidents on TV. Everything is connected. Exhibit A? Something I'll call hot-rod chic.

When the art of building custom motorcycles — chromed, curvy, candy-colored choppers — appeared on mainstream TV a few years ago, I was immediately hooked.

I've watched the irreverent Long Beach hooligan, Jesse James, build eye-pleasing motorcycles. I've followed each episode with New York's angry Teutuls, a father-and-son team who live to annoy each other as they "fabricate" theme choppers.

They look like they are having so much fun making things, even when they are fighting, that I want to hang out with them.

The inevitable spinoffs turned to hot-rod cars. And what middle-aged guy could turn away from this? Didn't we all dream of exotic cars when we were boys?

I'm convinced that this is where a network exec with a how-to book from "This Old House" went Frankenstein on us. Fabricatin' wild dreams suddenly got personal.

Old jalopies were whisked away in the dead of night and returned days later with a showroom, steal-me shine.

Homes got the same treatment.

Then, in a monster move that seemed more Mel Brooks than Mary Shelley, people got the same bit of overhaulin'. Nippin' and tuckin' and way too much eyebrow pluckin'.

Some of this was creepy, but the contestants were given nice new clothes.

So far, I've been able to rationalize why no one has chosen me for one of these life-changing adventures.

My house is too dumpy.

My car is too ugly.

And I'm too grumpy for a successful makeover.

But I'm ready, honest. I can't take this anymore. I'm feeling inadequate.

Come on MTV, pimp my ride. Or my bicycle. Hey Jesse James, my lawn mower needs flames painted on it, and a fuel injector. My house could use a monster wave machine.

Just leave my eyebrows alone, OK?

Reach Mike Gordon at mgordon@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8012.