FAMILY MATTERS
Help friends out: Provide an emotional vacation
By Michael C. DeMattos
I think my wife and I are pretty good parents. We have a circle of friends that we hang out with, and they really have it going on when it comes to parenting. Still, it seems that we are often at our best when with each other's children. What is it that makes each of us perfect parents when it comes to other folks' kids?
Just last week we headed into Kahulu'u for dinner with some friends. My 6-year-old daughter was eager to see her 3-year-old calabash cousin. The girl is like the little sister my daughter never had. They play dress-up and beauty parlor and even hold ballet performances for the adults. Everyone has a grand time.
Unfortunately, the little angel was asleep when we arrived. She was in full power-nap mode.
When she finally stirred, she was less angel and more devil.
She was kind of like my wife when she is not allowed to sleep in on the weekends. Given her choice, my wife would sleep until 11 in the morning — every morning. We have all grown up with stories of Sleeping Beauty, but no one bothered to tell us what would happen if the lovely maiden was awakened too early. It is not a pretty sight. But that's another story.
It was clear that my little niece was having a tough go of it and appeared inconsolable. Her mom and dad tried everything good parents try, to no avail.
That's when I stepped in. I casually called her over, plopped her on my lap and asked her about her dollhouse. It was a simple distraction that worked immediately. Her mother looked relieved, and her dad and I kept our conversation going without missing a beat.
The only thing missing was the big "S" emblazoned across my chest.
No one can press a hot button like your own child. It seems they know exactly what and when to push for nuclear effect.
I think our kids, ever their own persons, do certain things that over time grate on our nerves. It is like they are dragging their fingernails across the chalkboard of our psyche. I am sure we do the same to them.
Through the years, we fall into certain predictable behavioral patterns. Those same patterns can drive us bonkers. Our friends are not slave to those patterns and thus do not get frustrated. Thank goodness.
They say it takes a village, and I am pretty sure that I know why.
Often it seems that as a parent you are the village idiot — clueless about those closest to you. It always seems easier to parent your friend's child than it does to parent your own.
Now, I am not suggesting that you leave the child-rearing to your friends, but there are times when a parent needs an emotional vacation. My friends have been there for me and I have been there for them. We take turns wearing that giant "S" on our chest, which is just fine with me. Sometimes you need a break from the kryptonite kid, and it's nice to know that there is someone else there to carry the load.
Family therapist Michael C. DeMattos has a master's degree in social work.
