Successful introverts adapt — or fake it

By Mary Ellen Slayter
Washington Post

Life can be tough for introverts, especially in the workplace. Their preference for keeping to themselves can come across as shyness, aloofness or even arrogance. Often outnumbered by their extroverted colleagues, they can feel overwhelmed by the demands of office socialization and networking. However, unlike those with social anxiety disorder, classic introverts just prefer working alone and have little need for social interaction — an important distinction.

Some get bitter about it. "It's who you know, not what you know, that matters," they say. Others adapt, and try to make the best of their contrarian nature.

Successful introverts appear to adopt one of two strategies for coping with the gap between the way the world works and the way they wish it did.

The first one is to fake it. Laura K. McAfee of Albuquerque, N.M., describes herself as a "total introvert" who took this route. Her first job was in a deli, where she had to interact with hundreds of people every day.

"It was exhausting — not just the work itself (although being on your feet that long certainly isn't easy), but the mental effort it took to make myself chat and be nice to customers," McAfee wrote in an e-mail.

But within a month, she said, she had developed a work persona. "Like putting a mask on, or an actor trying on a character; I could actually feel the mask settling into place as I walked to work. I learned how to act happy and bubbly and friendly and all of those things that come so naturally to extroverts. It was sort of a defensive thing that I learned to do — camouflage, protective coloration, call it what you will. But it enabled me to function on the job, doing things that absolutely terrified me. And when it worked, and people responded, that positive reinforcement was all I needed to keep doing it, so that it got easier and easier and easier."

McAfee, a 37-year-old lawyer, said it comes naturally now. "I don't have to consciously think about it anymore, but just sort of transform during the commute. ... So over time, my 'work' face has mellowed, and is now more me than mask."

She wrote, "Now, there are quite a few people who know me who would never, ever believe it if you told them I was an introvert."

She likens it to any other coping skill. "The job world expects you to be open and outgoing, just like it expects you to be organized and on time and to get your job done. So for those of us for whom that doesn't come naturally ... you just have to find some way to cope with those 'failings' so they don't get in the way."

A second strategy is to pursue careers and work roles that play to your strengths as an introvert, such as the ability to work independently.

"I don't think introverts would appreciate being converted any more than an outspoken, aggressive, social butterfly type being persuaded or forced to act in the exact opposite matter simply because that's what everyone else is doing. It's not natural," said Sean Preston.

Preston said he struggled for years with his introversion at office jobs, without quite knowing what was wrong. He finds plenty of quiet time now as a delivery driver. He credits a book, "The Introvert Advantage," by Marti Olsen Laney (Workman Publishing Co., 2002), with helping him better understand his temperament.

His favorite techniques from the book include using e-mail to communicate when possible and using nonverbal signals (nods, eye contact, etc.) to show that he's paying attention.

Also, "If someone criticizes you for being too quiet, tell him or her you're reflecting on company business or your current project."

He said, "Communicating with other introverts helps a great deal. Because of these techniques and many others, I finally feel understood and appreciated."

Extroverts also have an obligation to be understanding of their more reticent colleagues. To dismiss someone for being less outgoing can mean missing out on someone who could bring great value to the company — and your life.

McAfee said, "I'm never going to be the world's greatest rainmaker, but I've progressed to being at least a 'C' student on the 'get along with other people' part of the test."