Many tackle challenges of multigenerational living

By Mary Kaye Ritz
Advertiser Religion & Ethics Writer

Crisanta Tubana, bottom, lives with her two sons, Lorenzo, left, Engelbert, right, daughter Cora, top right, and 16-year-old granddaughter Justine, with whom she shares a bedroom in their Waipahu home. Photos by Rebecca Breyer • The Honolulu Advertiser

The Tubanas demonstrates a probable refrigerator scene should family members fail to share beverages.

Living in harmony under one roof Baldo and Helen Patterson's guide for living together in multigenerational harmony: 1. If an appliance is going to cause problems, get two. 2. If you have to share a major appliance or common area, make a schedule, so everyone is on the same page. 3. Everybody should do his or her share. 4. Remember that your family is a support system, and act accordingly. 5. Laugh a lot. Get together for birthdays, celebrations, holidays. And always have a lot of fun there.

Yes, the living quarters are tight, and yes, Grandma and 16-year-old Justine share a room.

"Everything is like an open space," said Cora Tubana. "We learn how to share everything."

With multigenerational living at its highest in Hawai'i — the most recent census data said 8.2 percent of the state's 403,240 households have three or more generations living together, compared with 4 percent nationally — sharing nicely is a lesson people will be learning as single-family-home living more often becomes the exception rather than the rule.

We talked to families large and larger, from Makaha to Kailua to Waipahu, about ways to keep a multigenerational home from becoming Animal House.

Christine Heath, a licensed marriage and family therapist and executive director of the Hawaii Counseling and Education Center, said she's seen this arise not only in her clients but in her own family: Her son and his wife live with his wife's parents.

"Living in Hawai'i, that's the way of life here," she said.

Her first bit of advice: "Remember that everyone in the family lives in their own separate reality. When someone is doing something that looks inconsiderate, or looks as if it's not thoughtful, instead of taking it personally, take time to talk to the person. ... Remember that, by and large, people don't do things on purpose to bug other people."

'Someone's always there'

So when 16-year-old Justine Tubana puts her takeout leftovers in the fridge and forgets to write "Justine's lunch" on it, she has no one to complain to when one of her hungry uncles comes home from work and digs in.

"That happens a lot," said the Maryknoll sophomore. "If you want something, it's probably going to be gone in the morning."

But she just laughs and realizes there are some good things about living with lots of uncles and Grandma: Someone's always there, too.

What else can you do to share nicely?

Treat the house like a family compound, with the emphasis on the word "family." That's a tidbit from Helen and Baldo Patterson, who live in Makaha. Their home burned last fall, and they're now staying with their daughter.

"The important thing is the person, not the material things," said Helen Patterson.

Their house, which they're rebuilding, also serves as home to their son, the Rev. Kaleo Patterson, and his wife; grandchildren; and a great-grandchild.

More advice: Laugh and remember to enjoy each other, said Baldo Patterson, who with Helen will celebrate a 50th anniversary next month.

You could almost hear the churning of the mechanism as he looked back at his married life, most of which was spent living with his mother-in-law and younger generations. Was that a "CLINK!" as he switched gears?

"Hmm. I could pitch a tent to celebrate our 50th year, have all the kids come over, put up picnic tables," he said. "I think I'll do that!"

While Baldo Patterson might consider the whole of the family in just about every decision, don't mistake him as a man who forgets No. 1.

"I respect my wife's needs," he said. "That's why I bought two refrigerators; one for my son, one for my wife."

But the most important thing that keeps those gears greased, says Helen Patterson: "We pray. A lot."

Listening, understanding

Another bit of advice offered by therapist Heath: Just as different cultures must struggle to mix, different generations may have different values. Listening and understanding will make the sharing lesson go down like the proverbial spoonful of sugar.

Bob and June Grantham of Kailua learned the refrigerator lesson well. When they built onto their home to make room for their daughter and her family, and son and his family, they not only added more refrigerators, but also a washer.

Respecting others

The Grantham's seven-bedroom, six-bath Enchanted Lake house has a ceramic-tiled pool in the back, facing a canal that leads to Kailua Beach. It's also filled with June's collectibles and an entire wall of family photos. But even within this spacious, modern dwelling, courtesy and respect for each dweller is vital.

"A degree of privacy is really important," said Bob Grantham. "We did a couple things right, from the very start. Each family has their own entrance and their own side yards. We follow that concept. Everyone has their own space."

And if you see a closed door in June Grantham's house, "You knock! But knocks are always answered," she said.

That's true in Waipahu, at the Tubana compound, too. Anyone can use the common bathroom, but what if it's in use and someone needs to use the bathroom in her master bedroom?

"If I'm there, they have to knock," Cora Tubana said.

They consider ourselves a family first, she said.

"Maybe it's because Mom is alone," said Cora, "or because my two brothers are with us. We still have a strong bond, and try to understand each other, tolerate each other's mistakes. They're very nice to me: When I'm in need, they're the first ones I ask. ... Being a single parent, I also can lean on them."

She will occasionally blow up, or her daughter will talk back to Grandma. When it gets to be too much, Cora take her daughter out for a time to cool off.

Then, later, in church, Cora finds herself filled with remorse.

"Sometimes, I'll go in my room and say a prayer (asking) God to forgive me what I did," Cora said, "asking God to give me courage and strength to pass that hump. It's really hard sometimes, (but) I know that God is there, helping me always."

Reach Mary Kaye Ritz at mritz@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8035.