KISSES AND MISSES
Dating hard to handle living in parental home

By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer

Wedding-bell blues A bride-to-be discovers her groom may be a cheat. What's a girl to do? Vote in our online poll.

But what about getting divorced, moving back in with your folks and still trying to have a love life? That's a tightrope.

Dear Tanya: I am a 31-year-old single mother of three. I have been divorced for seven years, and my children and I have been living with my parents ever since. About a year after my separation, I got into a six-year relationship with a man my children and parents got along with well. But I ended it because we became more like friends than lovers, and I needed more in a relationship than I felt he could offer.

About two months ago, I met a very attractive and exciting man. I had him meet my parents and children, and the most disturbing thing happened. My father flipped out (while the guy was at our house) and told me he didn't agree with exposing the kids to guys I date unless I am going to marry one. I told him I could see his point if I were exposing my kids to numerous men; however, that is not the case. My father made it clear he will not have that kind of behavior go on in HIS house, and I said OK.

I'm well-educated, make competent decisions and have close relationships with my children. I want my father to respect my decisions, but he is treating me like a 5-year-old and has been giving me the cold shoulder for two weeks. I don't know how to deal with this. I will continue to live here for about another six months before I am able to move out on my own. First, what is your opinion on children being exposed to people that their single parents date? And how do I continue to live my life as I believe I should while trying to keep the peace in the house?

My first reaction is: Move out! But, for whatever reason, you say you can't do that yet.

So, the only way you're going to keep the peace in the house is to live by your father's rules, no matter what you think of them.

You may be looking for ammunition to go back and tell your father about what is appropriate in regard to introducing your children to the people you date. You seem to trust your own instincts, and your instincts sound reasonable. The thing is, that part of the equation doesn't matter because your real problem is the second thing — living in your father's house.

It's doubtful that anything you say to your dad about your relationship decisions will change his mind. He might just become more resentful.

Maybe he thought you were going to marry your boyfriend of six years, and you and the kids would be out of the house. Whatever he's thinking, his issues go deeper than the act of being introduced to the new guy.

If you are going to keep living there, respect your father's valid reasons for being overprotective. Your kids will grow attached to anyone you allow to get close to the family. (Or, if they're jealous, your father doesn't want to be in the middle of them trying to sabotage your dates.) A breakup could be harder on the children than it is on you.

The most grown-up way to handle being treated like a child is to find a way to spread your wings without stirring up the coop. That means playing by dad's rules until you can rule your own roost.

Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Send your tales, worries and woes to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com; or fax 525-8055. Letters may be used in columns. Please include your neighborhood and daytime phone number.