And the Oscar show goes to ... Crystal

Poll: What's your Oscar pick?

By Mike Hughes
Gannett News Service

Billy Crystal is again the awards show host. Advertiser library photo • 1997

Other people can drone and thank and proclaim. He has to make the night fun and funny.

"The 76th Annual Academy Awards" airs at 6:30 p.m. Sunday on ABC. Crystal hosts for the eighth time. He does lots of planning — then hopes for surprises.

"We write thousands of jokes," he said. "It's almost like creating a football playbook, with options.

"The best nights are when ... it comes to you right then and there."

On Academy Award nights, Crystal has two writers backstage to help him with quick quips.

In 1992, his third time as host, one of the early statues went to Jack Palance, as a supporting actor in Crystal's "City Slickers." Palance proceeded to do one-handed push-ups, to prove he was still fit at 72.

The ideas flowed.

"I think the first one was ... (Palance) had just bungee-jumped off the Hollywood sign," he said. "And the audience loved it. Then it was a feeding frenzy."

One musical number had a pack of kids singing. Afterward, Crystal calmly informed the audience that all of them had been fathered by Jack Palance.

There are times when he can't wait for something from the writers. A classic one came when Crystal was supposed to point to a veteran producer.

"I was on stage and introduced Hal Roach, who was 100 years old, who was just supposed to wave," he said. "And he just kept talking and there was no mike." Except for a few people nearby, no one could hear Roach.

"He was going on and on and on," Crystal said. "The light's on (me) and I said, 'It seems appropriate he got his start in silent films.' "

That brings fun to a show that could easily bog down. "There are 24 awards to give out," producer Joe Roth said. "There are five songs to sing."

Crystal had hosted three Grammys ceremonies before doing the Oscars in 1990. After doing three more years, Crystal dropped out — and regretted it.

One of the first winners that year, for the "Schindler's List" set design, was someone (Ewa Braun) whose name was pronounced the same as that of Hitler's mistress.

"I had a million lines flying through my head," Crystal said. "You know, 'Show the designs of Berchtesgaden.' 'Look at the drapes that she used.' 'Costumes, she works only in brown.' "

Crystal stayed away for two more years, but hosted in 1997, 1998 and 2000. Now he's back.

As soon as the nominations came out, he started polishing his monologue and thinking about his annual pieces: One injects Crystal into scenes from existing films; the other, written with Marc Shaiman, is a medley of pretend theme songs for nominated films.

These days, Shaiman is the big-bucks composer of Broadway's "Hairspray." When they met in 1984, however, he was the "Saturday Night Live" rehearsal pianist.

"I thought he was so funny and fast ..." Crystal said. "He's so facile at writing these lyrics."

Still, some movies defy humor. One of the toughest was "JFK."

They tried a take-off on "Tradition," from "Fiddler on the Roof":

"A gunman on the knoll?

"Sounds crazy, no?

"But Oliver Stone's 'JFK'

"He would say, " We're all gunmen on the knoll ...

" 'Suspicion. Suspicion.' "

One of the rights-holders refused permission to use the song. Next they tried a variation on "Trouble" from "The Music Man." Again, they couldn't get permission.

A veteran composer came to the rescue, Crystal said. "Sammy Cahn, rest his soul, called me up and said, 'Whatever you want to use of mine, you can do.' "

The result was a "Three Coins in the Fountain" takeoff, beginning:

"Three shots in the plaza, "Who done it, Mr. Stone?"