KISSES AND MISSES
Boyfriend who speaks with exes could become one himself

By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer

•	Another day, another cheat One of the most popular questions in the "Kisses and Misses" mailbox: If you think your significant other has done you wrong, is it better to have loved and lost, or to stay with the jerk? (OK, just paraphrasing here.) Break up or forgive? You decide by voting online.

It can be as nonthreatening as that Christmas card that comes every year or as intrusive as late-night phone calls and instant messaging.

How much is too much?

Dear Tanya: I have been with my boyfriend for about six months, and the relationship is pretty serious. My gripe is he is such a nice guy that he is friends with most of his ex-girlfriends. Sometimes he calls to see how they are doing. Sometimes one in particular calls him drunk at 2 in the morning to talk.

My belief is once a relationship ends, it should be over. I don't see the point of remaining friends with exes. And I don't see why his exes still confide in him. What part of "ex" do they not understand?

Yes, countless people are familiar with that pang of jealousy.

There are two ways you can look at it: First is that your boyfriend is such a good friend that people want to confide in him. He's empathetic. He treats others as if their problems are his own. He's caring and kind. People can't resist his charm. It's one of the reasons you fell in love with him.

The second way is more pessimistic. You can choose to think that your boyfriend always has a backup available should things turn rocky with you. He already has an emotional connection and intimate history, especially with the one ex in particular, and the embers may not need much fanning to reignite.

Staying friends with an ex (to the point of keeping secrets and sharing late-night phone calls) can be destructive to any relationship that comes next. It can keep a person from moving on.

My feeling is that the more serious a relationship gets, the trickier it is to stay close friends with an ex. There comes a point when the friendship becomes hurtful (or potentially hurtful) to the one you're with, and you have to decide what's more important.

You have to set your boundaries and keep your friendships on a different level than your more intimate relationship.

Unfortunately for you, you don't get to make those decisions for your boyfriend.

Either you accept that he's someone who keeps in touch with his exes, you refuse to accept it and break up, or you nag him in hopes that he'll change. Nagging is unlikely to change him.

So the question is, do you trust him enough to let him deal with his exes the way he wants? If not, maybe you will become the one woman who can show him what being an ex is really all about.

Send your tales, worries and woes to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com; or fax 525-8055. Letters may be used in columns. Please include your neighborhood and daytime phone number.