By Lee Cataluna
Advertiser Columnist

"Sex abuse is still something that nobody wants to talk about," says Adriana Ramelli, executive director of the Sex Abuse Treatment Center, a program of Kapi'olani Medical Center for Women and Children.

Yet, a 2003 report by the National Violence Against Women Prevention Research Center estimated that one out of every seven adult women in Hawai'i has been the victim of rape sometime in her lifetime and one in four girls is sexually assaulted by age 18.

Ramelli says, "I think there's no greater harm than sexual abuse to a child."

Monica Cobb-Adams is willing to talk about what happened to her family. Her daughter was 6 when she was sexually abused by her stepfather. Cobb-Adams tells the story mostly because she's grateful for the help she and her daughter got from the Sex Abuse Treatment Center.

"Any way I can help the center, I do, because from personal experience, I know it works."

Cobb-Adams found out about the abuse when her daughter was 8. The little girl's third-grade teacher had talked to the students that day about good touching and bad touching.

"She put two and two together and it just clicked," Cobb-Adams said. "Up until then, she knew something had happened to her but she didn't understand.

"That evening, she started to whine and cry and fuss. She didn't want to do her homework. She was really out of sorts. As a parent, you can tell when something is wrong even if they're not telling you what it is. Finally, she ended up curled up on her bed in almost a fetal position. So I asked her, 'Did I do something to make you sad?' She said no. So I kept asking.

" 'Did your dad do something to make you sad?'

"And then, when I said his name, I could see her reaction. So I asked, 'Did he touch you?'

"And she said, 'yes,' and then it all came out. Everything. She told me blow by blow. And I told her, 'It's OK. Mommy believes you.' And I went right to the phone and called the police."

Cobb-Adams sought help from the Sex Abuse Treatment Center, not just for her daughter, but for herself as well.

"It doesn't just affect the one person. It affects the whole family."

Right away, her daughter showed signs of healing.

"She came for counseling on a weekly basis and from the get-go, she was really making good progress. She had been having crying jags at night and that sort of thing, but that all stopped almost instantly. I think it was because, right away, she understood that what happened to her was not her fault, and you need that to move forward."

Ramelli agrees. "The key is when kids hear 'it's not your fault.' Sex assault is one of the crimes where we still judge the behavior of the victim. But it's never the victim's fault. It's about the behavior of the abuser."

A mother's guilt

Cobb-Adams struggled with her own feelings of guilt.

"I thought I was protecting my children. I still bought into the stereotype of a sexual predator being the strange man in the bathroom or the guy in the trench coat. How come I couldn't be psychic? How come they don't come with big signs on their foreheads? There was no sign on this man.

"One night, we were eating dinner and, out of the blue, my daughter says to me, 'Mommy, how come you let that happen to me? How come you didn't know?' I felt like throwing up. I told her, 'Mommy didn't know.' But as time went on, it started to flip. I realized it was good that she was starting to say these things. It meant real, open communication between us about what happened."

Women are often blamed for "picking the wrong man," Ramelli says. Many times, they blame themselves.

"A counselor finally put it to me this way," Cobb-Adams says. " 'If somebody did something really, really good, would you take credit for it? Of course not. Then if somebody did something really, really bad, why would you take the blame?' "

Cobb-Adams also learned to deal with her feelings of rage. "I can see how that could really turn on a person," she says. "When someone harms your child, that instinct is so strong in a parent."

Although by that time, the abuser had been out of the house and out of their lives for nearly two years, he was still nearby.

"For years he lived five blocks away from us. I would see him everywhere. You know how you can go for years without seeing your neighbors? I would see him at the store. I would see him on the street. That was challenging. In the beginning, I didn't do such a good job of dealing with it. I would practically foam at the mouth. I didn't care where I was. I'd see him in the checkout line and I'd say, 'You child molester!' It probably looked like there was something wrong with ME. I really saw that the rage can get to you. I told myself I didn't want to do that. So then, instead of flipping him off or screaming obscenities out the car window, I would replace the negative into something positive. Instead of flipping him off, I would make the sign of the cross. And it worked."

Daughter had day in court

Cobb-Adams pressed charges and went through the entire judicial process. She decided to let her daughter testify in court.

"At first, I thought if she did, she would suffer. But she said she wanted to testify. I came to think of it like surgery. As a parent, if you know that your child would feel some discomfort and pain because of the procedure but that in the long run, have a better, healthier life, then you know it's worth it. I let my daughter make the decision. She decided to testify. It helped her see that we support her and we care and something is being done about it. And it showed the abuser she wasn't scared and that she told. It empowered her. She had her day in court."

Removing the stigma

Ramelli says: "It can be a very powerful experience for the child to testify. It helps take away the stigma of what happened. The key is being prepared and having support. Going through the judicial process can be draining. It helps for the family to know what they're entering into."

As it turned out, the abuser was acquitted.

"The judge wrote my daughter a beautiful letter saying that they believed her, but that he was acquitted on a technicality. Of course I wanted justice. I wanted the full force of the law to come down on him. But he's still out there."

He's still out there, but her daughter is OK. And she is OK.

Cobb-Adams now serves on the center's advisory board. Her daughter is 21 and about to graduate from college where she majored in both history and math. "She's fine. She has moved on," Cobb-Adams says. "But there are so many out there who didn't get help, who don't get counseling. I have such sadness for those children."

Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com or 535-8172.