KISSES AND MISSES
They also date who sit and wait? Chances are slim, ladies
By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer
If she were a man, a reader we'll call Mary would be considered a good catch.
Women aren't the only ones who think they're a good catch just waiting to be found. Do nice guys really finish last? A frustrated eligible bachelor wants to know. Weigh in by voting in our online poll.
She's not a young, hot thing anymore. She's pushing 50. But if you ask her, she's still got a lot to offer: attractive, fit, outgoing, with plenty of friends and activities, a good job, her own home, and nobody at home to support. Yet there's one thing missing — someone special to enhance her life.
The 'last'-straw poll
Then there's Lisa, a generation younger than Mary, but still someone "tired of being the one to initiate the phone call or the date." Lisa, who describes herself as a "strong, independent woman" who knows what she wants, wants someone to chase her instead.
Clearly, these are women who don't "need" a man. But they play the dating game because they want to share their lives with someone.
Mary says she has put herself out there, trying all kinds of activities. She doesn't think she's too picky. She's just met a lot of flakes.
Lisa says she has crushes sometimes, and men will date her when she asks, but men rarely ask her out unless she makes a move first.
So what are they doing wrong and what are they doing right?
Well, if meeting the right person were as simple as being a great catch waiting to be discovered, it would be easy. The thing is, it takes more than luck. You have to try, try again.
Most women won't admit they need a strategy to find a man. It sounds too desperate and outdated. Instead, they embark on self-help strategies to make sure they really are good catches. And that's fine, because it often leads them to the realization that being a passive "Rules" girl doesn't work.
Even after landing a date (a good date, at that), 50 percent of women said in a recent poll to Lavalife.com's dating service that men should initiate follow-up contact, compared to only 23 percent of guys who think it's a man's obligation.
What all of this says to me is this: You have to take control of your destiny.
Bailing out of a search for love because you're tired of taking the initiative will likely assure that you're home alone on a Saturday night. Stereotypical as it sounds, there's truth to it.
If you are going to play the dating game, that means sometimes you have to initiate encounters and exit graciously if you get shot down.
Why do you think so many "dating experts" say the secret to successful dating is the same as finding success at work? Being creative, focused and taking risks can work for business as well as for pleasure.
If you're single and 35 or older, is your marital status cause for alarm? Or are you sick of even trying to look for love? Send your relationship tales, worries and woes to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802, kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 525-8055. Your letters may be used in upcoming columns. Please include a daytime phone number.
