KISSES AND MISSES
How much did husband play while military wife was away?

By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Staff Writer

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It doesn't matter which military branch, or whether the deployment is to a war zone or just another time zone. Separation itself puts a strain on everything.

Take it from a military person who is headed back here soon from an overseas assignment. Her letter touches on issues bound to surface for thousands of Hawai'i-based families this year.

Dear Tanya: I am in the military and am away from Hawai'i on deployment. Before I left, everything with my husband had been going great. But as soon as I left, things changed. He was going out all the time, spending money like crazy, not answering my calls and not taking care of his responsibilities. On top of that, he never got a job. I feel so dumbfounded on what to do. When I married him, I thought I had married a man, but it feels like I am supporting a child. Now that the end of my deployment is coming up, my husband has been calling me and acting like the dutiful husband. It makes me wonder what actually happened when I left O'ahu. Am I just being paranoid?

You can create all kinds of scenarios for what horrible things might be happening at home while you're away, but where will that get you? This is no time to be paranoid. Instead, be prepared for what you can change, and accept what you can't.

To some extent, you have to deal with the fact that your husband has reverted to the bachelor lifestyle. With him here alone without kids, what did you expect? He's not making the bed every morning or ironing his shirt before going out to look for a job the way you'd like.

If he agreed he'd find a job and didn't, that's something you'll have to talk about.

Cut him a little slack. It sounds like you're the responsible type. Without you here, he's lost his anchor and may be flailing a little. His excuse is going to be that you were away and he was bored. If he was acting the fool, that's the man you married. Maybe he just needs to grow up.

Did you talk before you left about what bills he needed to pay or what responsibilities he would have to take on? You can't assume he would just take care of everything.

It's also unwise to jump to the conclusion that he's been unfaithful or avoided your phone calls unless you have evidence to prove it. If he has been avoiding communication with you, you have some serious issues to work out. Be careful what you ask for. If you confront him about infidelity, be ready to hear what he has to say.

Really, this isn't just about what he did or didn't do while you were away. It's about what you're going to do now. And it will take some time to evaluate the situation.

Brace for impact when you come home. It's not going to be easy. You may have the instinct to retrain him like a dog, but resist the urge to bark orders. If you have issues you need to work out, it would be better to go to a marriage counselor than to act like a drill sergeant.

If you are among the thousands of families in Hawai'i dealing with military deployments, how are coping with the separation? Send your relationship tales, worries and woes to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802, kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 525-8055. Your letters may be used in upcoming columns. Please include a daytime phone number.